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Citizen army not feeling it


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Demands by the UK’s top brass that we all train for war with Russia, have been greeted with a wave of apathy, normally reserved for cleaning the lint out of your belly button. The nation has raised a two-finger victory salute and then flipped it, was a healthy dollop of FU attached.



General Sir Patrick Sanders, who is yet to diagnosed as insane - but all the signs are there, said that the nation could not afford to make the same mistakes of 1914. Ironically the mistakes we made in 1914 was listening to warmongering buffoons like himself. He talked of a ‘pre-war generation’ implying he was all aroused by the idea of the next war.



The reason we need to enter conflict with Russia seems to be based on the premise that it’s been a jolly long time since the last big war and our Generals are bored. Observed one savvy, coward: ‘Russia already owns most of central London, why would they want to invade the rest? Slough is not that great.’




Government calls in army to shoot anyone who looks like they might be protecting the planet


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In a move to maintain its unblemished record of getting absolutely everything wrong 10,000 times in a row, the UK government has deployed the army onto the streets of London.


Downing Street clarified, 'Guardian-reading, tofu-eating wokerati terrorism armed response police weren't shooting the people we wanted them to. Well, not in the numbers which satisfied our bloodlust. We were left no option but to call in the military, and give them strict orders to pump more lead into terrorists than we have pumped effluents into the Thames water catchment area.


'For the record, terrorists now include anyone making any attempt to remove deadly toxins from London air, people who look like they could be environmentalists, those potentially making their way to complain about illegal government policy, and next door's tortoise.'




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