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Mark Francois "ready to serve" says Army chief

Brexit Commando Captain Mark "Don't Call Me Frenchy" François has taken the coveted (by him) place at the front of the queue to join Britain's new citizen army, even though it doesn't actually exist yet.

In a radical step for the Head of the Army, General (formerly Colonel) Sanders told "an armoured vehicle conference" that the army should be bigger. Citing Russia's invasion of Ukraine as an "attack on our system", he called for citizens to be trained in ground warfare, takeaway delivery and Netflix account navigation in order to preserve our cherished way of life.

The armoured vehicles at the conference did not comment, beyond a low appreciative throbbing of their engines, but reservists and fantasists across the land leapt to attention and began to stream to the nearest recruiting office in their tens. Given that there are no recruiting offices, many decided to settle for their local post office instead, where they collected their pension, pledge loyalty to General Bates, and bought some parcel tape to fix camouflage to their bobble hats. And at their head, M Francois MP, with a note from the Prime Minister himself encouraging him to sign up for "as long as it takes" and "see if you can persuade some of the other backbench nutters to join you."

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Jan 27

Are you being served?

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