Army relieved that Andrew is no longer Duke of York

Army Top Brass are pleased that the 'prince' will not be able to use 10,000 soldiers for needless yomps up and down hills any more. An army spokesman said, 'this was a gross misuse of trained professionals, marching these troops up to the top of a hill, for no reason other than to march them down again. And simply to confirm that when they are up, they are up. Madness. Sheer, bloody madness.'

Major-General Headly-Smedley-Landrover-Smyth was quoted as saying, 'We are glad that this unnecessary use of our troops has finally been dealt with. This was not a manoeuvre to practice the taking of an elevated position. This was a full division, comprised of multiple brigades, weirdly just men, marching up and down a hill. The report states some notes were made on the situation when they were only halfway up, but, quite frankly, I am embarrassed to give them to you. This whole exercise could have been done at squad level with ten soldiers, not ten thousand. Get me a brandy.'

When told the actual reason the Duke of York title was being removed, the Major-General spat brandy everywhere, and developed a new type of gout.

Image credit: Titanic Belfast, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Text added.

Dad’s Army deployed to defend Walmington-on-Sea from illegal immigrants

The south-coast town of Walmington-on-Sea is being defended by a band of volunteers known as Dad’s Army, who patrol the beach in search of illegal immigrants arriving by boat. So far, the only boat they have apprehended belongs to a local fisherman, who was captured by the platoon, and forced to surrender his haddock.

The group's captain, George Mainwaring, spoke to reporters yesterday. 'We’re the last line of defence for this country,' he declared, tripping over a deckchair. 'The government may have radar, the navy, and the border force, but none of them has my organisational genius.' He then shot a seagull with an air rifle, in case it was an enemy reconnaissance drone.

His second-in-command, Arthur Wilson, gently murmured: 'Do you think that’s wise, sir?' before returning to his thermos flask of tea.

Chaos erupted when butcher Jack Jones spotted a lilo drifting ashore. 'Don’t panic! Don’t panic! They don’t like it up ’em!' he cried, charging at the inflatable with a bread knife. The lilo was later identified as belonging to a six-year-old local girl, who was not impressed when Jones tried to confiscate her armbands.

The platoon’s resident pessimist James Frazer surveyed the waves with a grim expression. 'We’re doomed! Doomed!' he insisted. 'If the immigrants don’t get us, the seagulls will!' Nobody contradicted him, mainly because it seemed plausible.

Charles Godfrey, the oldest member of the group, spent the morning politely asking if anyone had seen his slippers, before falling asleep in a deckchair, facing the wrong direction.

Dodgy dealer Joe Walker was busy flogging ‘genuine government-issue binoculars’, which he’d purloined from a local bird watching group. 'Best thing for spotting illegals, or peeping at girls sunbathing in bikinis,' he winked.

The youngest member of the group, Frank Pike, mistook a driftwood log for a submarine, but was quickly rebuked by Mainwaring, who snapped: 'You stupid boy!'

By sundown, Dad’s Army had successfully detained two Brummies in a pedalo, a stray dog, and a Mr Whippy van. The dog was later released, the Brummies are considering pressing charges, and the Mr Whippy van remains under armed guard.

Mainwaring hailed the mission a triumph: 'We have successfully defended our shores from threats both real and imagined. Mostly imagined.'

Local police later stated that Walmington-on-Sea has no record of migrant boats ever arriving there, possibly because the beach is mostly shingle and sewage outflow. They have asked the platoon to stand down, citing public nuisance laws.

Image credit: deep dream generator

US seizes control of entire back garden paddling pool

In a coordinated attack, the US military has taken full and complete control of a small inflatable unicorn.

White House officials in optimum brag mode confirmed a great conquest. 'Operation Playpit has been a total success, requiring the combined force of 40,000 armed soldiers, 8 cavalry units, 200 military aircraft, a fleet of Pacific battle cruisers, and the sum of all CIA, NSA, FBI and ICE intelligence.

'The strategic gains of this glorious victory are immeasurable.

'We now have absolute domination over a significant part of US soil. As you can see from the map behind me, the swingball set will be in our possession by sundown, and the trampoline will be fully surrounded as early as next week.

'There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever of a list on the fridge door held in place by a strawberry flavoured magnet.

'There have been losses. And we must raise the debt ceiling a further five trillion dollars. But this is the price we must pay for these vast gains, striking at the heart of our Californian enemy.'

A neighbour who witnessed the siege confirmed, 'The family's pet hamster kept the US military at bay all through the night. At one point she had them pinned down, but eventually succumbed to the onset of daylight.

'It could have been much worse. There could've been water in the paddling pool.'

Image: ThePixelman - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com