Unemployed Arkansan surprised to find himself appointed Attorney General

Unemployed Arkansas man Dave Goober was surprised to see on Fox News that he’d been appointed Attorney General of the United States.

”Ah thought they must mean some other guy,” Goober told reporters, “until the motorcade turned up outside mah trailer.”

A White House statement described Goober as “a great guy with strong experience, known for his attention to detail”, though Goober admitted he wasn’t sure why he’d been fired from the chicken shop where he used to work. It also said he had “extensive experience of America’s justice system, albeit mostly from the point of view of a suspect”.

It concluded by describing him as “the perfect replacement for Pam Bondi”, at which Goober grinned and said “Ah liked her, she was hot!” and put his hand down the front of his dungarees,

However, Trump later posted on Truth Social that of course it was a mistake and Goober wasn’t their pick for Attorney General.

”No, he’s the new Chief of Staff of the army.”

image by Grok

Scouts told they should have read the small print, before they signed up

The government is to announce new powers making it easier to mobilise tens of thousands of paramilitary personnel to prepare for war.

Under the terms of being accepted as a Scout, recruits had to swear they would follow the Scout’s duty before anything else, even though he gives up pleasuring himself, or comfort, or safety to do it.

Legally, a spoken agreement has the same value in law, as a written contract.

Whilst it isn’t expected at this stage that Scouts will be given weapons, or get to drive tanks, it’s thought they could take pressure off front-line troops by polishing their boots and topping up the officers’ glasses in the mess.

They will be told that so long as they behave themselves, a career in teaching awaits them at the end of their military service, where they can use the skills they were taught, i.e. how to shout and bully people smaller than them, as happened when ex-conscripts became teachers in the 60s.

Old time Hollywood big shot: 'Venezuela? I hardly know 'er!'

Hollywood producers are waiting for enough time to elapse to greenlight some future Oscar bait about American troops who get PTSD - that PTSD coming courtesy of the upcoming omnishambles in Venezuela and/or Greenland. 

Working titles so far include 'The Venezuelan Candidate', 'Orinoc-oh-no!' and 'Nuuk whose talking' and the racier 'Is that a Nobel Peace Prize in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me'. Others in development are 'Crackers in Caracas' and its Cuban focused sequel 'Crackers in Caracas 2: Are you Havana laugh?' plus an unexpectedly gritty franchise reboot with 'Grease 3: Greased up by the stolen oil of Venezuela'.

Elon Musk's AI fan bot Grok has already declared these Donald Trump worship pieces as a 'Triumph of the Will'

Trump's own IMDB page already includes The Apprentice, Home Alone 2 and a life long performance art piece entitled 'Entitled', where he plays the role of a fascist paedophile, who faces no consequences for his actions.

Photo by Nathan DeFiesta on Unsplash