Scouts told they should have read the small print, before they signed up

The government is to announce new powers making it easier to mobilise tens of thousands of paramilitary personnel to prepare for war.

Under the terms of being accepted as a Scout, recruits had to swear they would follow the Scout’s duty before anything else, even though he gives up pleasuring himself, or comfort, or safety to do it.

Legally, a spoken agreement has the same value in law, as a written contract.

Whilst it isn’t expected at this stage that Scouts will be given weapons, or get to drive tanks, it’s thought they could take pressure off front-line troops by polishing their boots and topping up the officers’ glasses in the mess.

They will be told that so long as they behave themselves, a career in teaching awaits them at the end of their military service, where they can use the skills they were taught, i.e. how to shout and bully people smaller than them, as happened when ex-conscripts became teachers in the 60s.

Old time Hollywood big shot: 'Venezuela? I hardly know 'er!'

Hollywood producers are waiting for enough time to elapse to greenlight some future Oscar bait about American troops who get PTSD - that PTSD coming courtesy of the upcoming omnishambles in Venezuela and/or Greenland. 

Working titles so far include 'The Venezuelan Candidate', 'Orinoc-oh-no!' and 'Nuuk whose talking' and the racier 'Is that a Nobel Peace Prize in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me'. Others in development are 'Crackers in Caracas' and its Cuban focused sequel 'Crackers in Caracas 2: Are you Havana laugh?' plus an unexpectedly gritty franchise reboot with 'Grease 3: Greased up by the stolen oil of Venezuela'.

Elon Musk's AI fan bot Grok has already declared these Donald Trump worship pieces as a 'Triumph of the Will'

Trump's own IMDB page already includes The Apprentice, Home Alone 2 and a life long performance art piece entitled 'Entitled', where he plays the role of a fascist paedophile, who faces no consequences for his actions.

Photo by Nathan DeFiesta on Unsplash

Army relieved that Andrew is no longer Duke of York

Army Top Brass are pleased that the 'prince' will not be able to use 10,000 soldiers for needless yomps up and down hills any more. An army spokesman said, 'this was a gross misuse of trained professionals, marching these troops up to the top of a hill, for no reason other than to march them down again. And simply to confirm that when they are up, they are up. Madness. Sheer, bloody madness.'

Major-General Headly-Smedley-Landrover-Smyth was quoted as saying, 'We are glad that this unnecessary use of our troops has finally been dealt with. This was not a manoeuvre to practice the taking of an elevated position. This was a full division, comprised of multiple brigades, weirdly just men, marching up and down a hill. The report states some notes were made on the situation when they were only halfway up, but, quite frankly, I am embarrassed to give them to you. This whole exercise could have been done at squad level with ten soldiers, not ten thousand. Get me a brandy.'

When told the actual reason the Duke of York title was being removed, the Major-General spat brandy everywhere, and developed a new type of gout.

Image credit: Titanic Belfast, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Text added.