Football commentators say pre-season has been 'unbelievably fantastic'

Preparations for the new Premier League season are almost complete for television pundits and most are agreed that the pre-season friendly matches have, yet again, been either 'unbelievable', 'fantastic' or 'unbelievably fantastic'. 

Opinions are divided on whether Liverpool's transfer business will enable them to retain the league title, whether Manchester United will be less useless than last year and whether Arsenal finally buying a striker will make them less Spursy.  However, the potential use of any other superlatives to describe good players playing well this season was described as 'unbelievable'.

Despite reported rumours of words such as wonderful and memorable being introduced for the new season, it is understood that no additions were made to the commentators' vocabulary during the summer.  On the contrary, pre-season training has concentrated on strengthening the use of the existing structures and patterns of speech to make best use of the existing words.  However, Ally McCoist can still only say unbelievable or fantastic about the beautiful game, and not unbelievably fantastic.  Apparently there is no chance whatsoever of him ever mastering fantastically unbelievable.

Gary Neville meanwhile, is said to be working on the judicious use of 'sensational' during his post-match analysis to describe an obdurate defender kicking a tricky, creative winger right up in the air.  But if such a significant change to his delivery doesn't work first time, he is prepared to go back to the tried and trusted 'unbelievable'.

Elon Musk buys Arsenal to piss Keir Starmer off

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Budget Black Hole due to planned Starmer Pyramid Tomb

The 20 billion black hole in the UK budget, suspiciously brought to light only after Labour came to office finally has an explanation this week.

A disgruntled civil servant, possibly a woman, possibly a man, possibly something else entirely, has leaked plans for the greatest British burial since World Cup 94.

Pharaoh Gate or The Starmermid as it is known entails constructing a 485 ft high 760 ft wide Marble Pyramid in London's Whittington Park as a suitable resting place for the public prosecutions director of hearts.

The Starmermid will feature a nationalised workforce with contractual obligations, a bit like HS2 but without the bad bits.

The Tomb will have every modern convenience, a hotline to labour HQ and a ouija board telegraph to request items from lobbyists and Starmer's body will be housed in a miniature version of The Millennium Dome that sits within the tomb itself.

Starmer's remains will be buried with full public honours, dressed in full Arsenal strip, coincidently the only way he was capable of making love.

A government spokesperson defended the news telling a reporter "Its plainly obvious this is a normal government measure, give me your name and address. "

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