Asylum-seekers urged to keep backstories simple

Hollywood screenwriters have pinpointed the problem with most of the people seeking asylum in the UK: their backstories are too complex for an audience raised on Eastenders.

'The Ukrainians have nailed it' said Chad, a script editor from California. 'A well-drawn if somewhat obvious villain, a humble-yet-plucky hero leading a ragtag band of underdogs against a mighty army. They should have made Zelensky single so he could fall in love with a librarian who has to become a freedom fighter – or a nurse? - but apart from that it’s a perfect script'.

Syrians have come under criticism for having a ‘complex and muddled’ backstory.

'Who’s the baddy? Who’s the goody? What’s the branding? These people have no idea how to launch a franchise. Their best chance is to do a kind of ‘Putin Origins’ storyline' said Chad. 'We could show him developing his weapons and tactics in Damascus – ooh, I know, we could show him actually on the road to Damascus! That would play great in the US of A, do you have the Bible here? Give Putin his own theme, similar to Darth Vader’s Imperial March, and make those Wagner guys dress like stormtroopers, pretty soon the Syrians would be getting housing and a welcome as well'.

Suella Braverman was asked for a statement, but she was busy designing a laser cannon for the white cliffs of Dover and posing for next week’s Daily Mail front page.

Image: stux | Pixabay

First published 29 Nov 2022

www.newsbiscuit.com

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Lego to Replace Bitcoins

Take back control of our borders? The UK can't even control its Irish boundary line

The paradox of the Rwanda plan is that claiming it's a successful deterrent requires admission that a frictionless border with Ireland only works when the UK is in the EU.

'We told them many times,' sighed Elsa van Roest, EU head of stating the bleedin' obvious to the Brits. 'We even said it in plain English so that they might understand. Perhaps we should have used Cockney rhyming slang? Brexit meant that the Irish border would unavoidably become a backdoor between the UK and the EU. I would say inescapably instead of unavoidably, but now that the UK has... erm... misplaced several thousand asylum seekers, inescapable seems inappropriate.

'Like a flock of sheep accidentally transferred to Battersea Dogs Home, the UK has totally lost control of its borders. Collies everywhere. Now this whole mess has set the Irish off again, but I shall refrain from making more doggy puns about Irish setters.

'And we can't really understand what the British government is trying to achieve within its own borders. Asylum seekers who were actively presenting at Home Office facilities have decided not to bother any more. They are now effectively absorbed into the UK community, which is odd as that seemed to be precisely the opposite outcome to what racists were demanding.

'It's not all bad news, of course. Now that Scotland has also collapsed into disarray, we look forward to welcoming a relatively strong and stable Rwanda to the EU. I know this must be true because UK law says it is.'

Image: Pixabay/pixaline

Rishi reveals his masterplan

Following the press statement by the Prime Minister the inevitable questions have been circulating.  When are they going?  When is HE going?  What airline is foolish enough to take Rishi's money?

We are going to answer all of these questions and more.  Unbeknownst to the general public the Prime Minister has avoided the potential embarrassment of failing to find an airline willing to risk its reputation by flying the refugees by dipping into his small change piggy bank and has bought British Airways.  He did consider buying RyanAir, but felt that was a low blow, even for refugees.

To avoid the problems with getting staff to fly the plane the Prime Minister has been learning to fly, mainly by cadging front row seats from Tory donors and by playing Flight Simulator on his X Box.  His first choice had been to train Liz Truss, but she only seemed capable of crashing things. 

The three hundred or so trained staff are actually all Tory MPs - predominantly those forecast to lose their seats once Sunak calls the election.  The motivation is that the nastiest MP on the flight will be promised the safest seat come the election, so unfortunately, we might not have seen the back of Gullis.

Finally, in answer to the continued questioning whenever Sunak claims the Rwanda flights are the 'will of the people', which has confused many pundits.  The people it is the will of are the people sat behind him in the House of Commons.  As most of them are forming the security detail they will still be sat behind him, all the way to Rwanda.  Here's hoping he's as inept at fuelling an aircraft as he was with a Kia.

Image: Pixabay/PublicdomainPictures