Putin nominated for BBC Sports Personality of the Year

In a shock move, Russian president Vladimir Putin has made the shortlist for the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year competition.

Joining the likes of cyclist Mark Cavendish, heptathlete Katarina Johnson-Thompson and runner Keely Hodgkinson, Putin is seen as a dark horse (which he’ll ride topless) in the annual contest.

‘We’re not quite sure how he made in onto the list,’ said a spokesman for the BBC competition. ‘I mean, I know he’s a black belt in judo and all that sort of stuff, but that’s not enough, is it? We reckon there’s been a bit of hacking going on. ‘Who’ll be nominated next? Bashar al-Assad for his skills in running away from a civil war?’

The Kremlin insisted the president’s nomination was all above board.

‘Look, you Western imperialist scum, Vlad's on the list, fair and square,’ said a spokeswoman. 'There’s no point acting like a bowl of undercooked borscht – just deal with it.’

Fellow nominees fear they might accidentally fall out of a window should Putin not triumph in the contest.

‘We’re all s*** scared,’ said one, who wished to remain anonymous. ‘He’s definitely got my vote.’

Racist riots just 'Olympic celebrations that got out of hand"

Reform UK, the political wing of the EDL, has tried to suggest that racist rioting in a variety of English cities is merely over enthusiastic support for Britain at the Olympics - hence all the Union Jack tattoos and balaclavas.

A spokes-goon shouted 'What better way to support our brave showjumpers, canoeists and divers than to set fire to a police station in Sunderland? Or smash up town centres across England?'

When asked if he would be watching black British athletes like Dina Asher-Smith and Zharnel Hughes the spokes-goon's face began twitching and he became visibily uncomfortable. 'I'm not... it's just... I... you know... I think I might be busy burning down a mosque in Liverpool that day. Someone told me that would be showing my support - as long as I wear a balaclava and don't show my face.'

A spokesman for Nigel Farage's office began fanning himself like a Southern belle, saying 'Well I do declare. Violence is not the answer. Unless it is directed at immigrants, in which case it's what we call "legitimate concerns", by which we mean please burn down a mosque. '

A distinctly Farage-sounding evil laugh, like Vincent Price at the end of Thriller, could be heard in the background.

image from pixabay

Competitor in men’s 100m ‘embarrassed by the attention’

A competitor in the men’s 100m sprint has been branded a disgrace to the sport after admitting they just want to quietly get on with their business with no fuss.

Mike McBride, 22, from the USA, refuses to jump up in the air as he enters athletics arenas, and noticeably refrains from doing that weird thing where athletes point at their eyes and then at the TV cameras as their name is announced to up to 50,000 strong crowds before any major events.

‘Sure, er…I can run 100m in less than 10 seconds, but..I mean… I’m so lucky to have had millions of pounds invested in my training and to have a huge team around me. They are really the guys who are responsible for all my success.,’ admitted a self-effacing McBride whilst embarrassedly fumbling with his hair.

‘I don’t know what’s wrong with Mike,’ said fellow 100m team-mate Bruce Stinger, better known as the Baltimore Bullet. ‘I mean, he has no alpha-male nickname, and I’ve never seen him studiously playing with his crotch on the start line. He should be a crown green bowler, not a 100m runner.

‘I even heard that he won a race the other day and didn’t pump his chest, stick his tongue out and manically shout "I’m the f@ckin man!". He’s bringing the sport into disrepute.’

Photo by Serghei Trofimov on Unsplash