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Cuts to 252 Tory MPs was only austerity Britain needed

Ousting 252 Conservative MPs from their positions was the only economic cut Britain needed to make.


Productivity is up immediately due to layabout Rees-Moggs now being required to 'work' from home. And without Thick Lizzy tapping off from the collective whiskey jar for herself, there are suddenly pretty pennies for every Jenny.


'Funding four Grant Shapps was a major drain to the UK economy,' said Professor Lisa Day from the Institute of Economic Monogamy. 'It seems like such an obvious cut to make now. And parliamentary tractor porn costs are right down. The only sector where I'm still hesitant to be optimistic is the Matt Hancock pub landlord industry. I don't know how it's going to survive without VIP lane assistance from the taxpayer.'


'To boost growth, I would recommend a further reduction of Sunaks. And to properly fund the NHS? A good seeing to of sloppy, wet Hunts.'




Tories concede they have run out of things to break



After 14 years of Conservative government and with the country in the midst of recession and a confected race war, a Downing Street spokesman today conceded that they had simply run out of things to break:


‘Since 2010, the Conservative Party have been working tirelessly to take Broken Britain – and break it some more. The public expect nothing less of us. From needless austerity, to the idiocy of Brexit, to vandalising the NHS and wrecking the rail network, we are proud of our many achievements. But now, quite simply, we are getting to the point where we have nothing left to break or maliciously destroy - and need the public’s help.’


The Government went on to outline plans for a new Cabinet role - the Minister for National Ruination Opportunities - with a portfolio focussed on new and imaginative ways to destroy the social and economic fabric of the country. The new Minister - widely anticipated to be Jacob Rees-Mogg - has been tasked with seeking public help with original ideas for accelerating national decline.


Current suggestions are rumoured to include letting all prisoners out to roam the streets, banning any phone calls between Britain and overseas and selling Buckingham Palace to the Americans. The Government are expected to discuss the very dumbest ideas in their forthcoming Spring Budget.




Portacabin secretly invented RAAC & asbestos


New documents show Britain's crumbling infrastructure, was a deliberate ploy to get us all to move into portable cabins. It is estimated that by 2025, 50% of all people and 99.9% of all pet rabbits, will be living in huts.


In the 80's portacabin sponsored the tv show 'Auf Wiedersehen, Pet' to promote it's glamorous lifestyle. Even Star Wars featured a character Jabba the Portacabin - but who was later renamed for the American market.


Speaking from Stalag 12 Comprehensive, one child remarked: 'The main benefit of flimsy ceilings, is they don't hurt so much when they fall on you.' Portacabin denied putting dangerous material into schools, saying: 'We leave that to the curriculum.'


Photo by Henry & Co. on Unsplash

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