UK to remain in Eurovision Song Contest

'On the face of it, the UK should boycott the Eurovision Song Contest, if only because it isn't a song contest.  It's an exercise in political voting, which is democracy in action,' said a UK spokesman today.  Most of Europe, especially Australia, the most European country in the southern hemisphere, has decided to boycott the contest because Israel, the most European not European country even allowing for Australia is still allowed in.

However song experts, who don't routinely follow the Eurovision Song Contest for reasons too complex to record here, have pointed out that the UK has a unique role in the contest which is to come last.  If the UK backs out of the contest then Israel stands to both win and be voted last, which isn't very British.

image from google gemini

Australia counts the cost of social media ban

Aussie kids under 16 aren't allowed on social media any more. And Australia is suffering the consequences.

'There is more graffiti, says Sydney Duff, of Melbourne City Council. 'And more antisocial behaviour . Kids pestering koalas, and roos, and drop bears, that sort of thing. Mel Duff, no relation, of Sydney City Council, agreed. 'Littering is up, chewing gum on sidewalks is up, and four penguins are missing from Taronga Zoo.'

The city police commissioner could also see the negative impact of the ban. 'Call outs to misdemeanours are up by 112% - and that's only 24 hours after the ban took effect. It's ringing doorbells and running away, moving wheelie bins so the garbos can't empty them, dingo doo-doo through letterboxes, stuff like that. It's low level bad behaviour, but it's still annoying. It's un-Australian.'

'Shoplifting is on the up as well. Without their phones and screens, kids are amusing themselves by stealing Tim Tams, Vegemite, and packs of Lamingtons.

'We reckon the court system for juvies will clog up, and that up to 60% of under 16s could end up with a criminal record. But we do have a plan for that. Either they sign up for juvie Cricket school, or it's transportation back to England. That'll learn them.'

Image credit: stablediffusion.com

Australian kids forced to use Skippy the Bush Kangaroo to communicate

Australia's ban on social media means that kids will need to use a unique clicking system to communicate. Phones will be rendered useless, and the only friend they'll need will be the Head Ranger of Waratah National Park. 

The platform, called Bouncy-Bouncy, means kids have to carry a fully grown marsupial in their pockets. Two kangaroos can connect together, but it must be distances of less than 10-yards to hear the 'tchkk tchk tchk.'

The Australian government insisted that the kangaroo system will protect kids from harmful content – unless of course Sonny is trapped down a well. Kids will be heard saying, 'What's that Skippy? Billy's updated his dating status?'

Image credit: Stable Diffusion