Canada to become associate member of Eurovision

Negotiations that would allow Canada to join Australia in a European singing competition have slowed, with concerns growing that Canada might alternate between Celine Dion and Justin Bieber on a never ending loop.

One European negotiator spoke on the condition of anonymity 'Near... far... wherever you are. Oh God, it's happening already. I think if the US ever invades Canada, they could just play that song on a loop until the American troops begin weeping and voluntarily leave.'

'If you combined that with some weaponised glitter canons, the Canadians could use 'My Heart will go on' as an offensive weapon, clearing a path to the White House before Mark Carney pushes Donald Trump off a door into the icy waters of the North Atlantic.'

photo: Newsbiscuit Archive

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Australia announces new women's five a side football team

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UK to remain in Eurovision Song Contest

'On the face of it, the UK should boycott the Eurovision Song Contest, if only because it isn't a song contest.  It's an exercise in political voting, which is democracy in action,' said a UK spokesman today.  Most of Europe, especially Australia, the most European country in the southern hemisphere, has decided to boycott the contest because Israel, the most European not European country even allowing for Australia is still allowed in.

However song experts, who don't routinely follow the Eurovision Song Contest for reasons too complex to record here, have pointed out that the UK has a unique role in the contest which is to come last.  If the UK backs out of the contest then Israel stands to both win and be voted last, which isn't very British.

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