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No hypocrisy in helping fellow rich arsehole, spokesperson for Farage says



A spokesperson for anti-immigration, pro-sovereignty politician Nigel Farage has said that his recent whirlwind visit to support Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic in his battle with Australian immigration was not hypocritical, but consistent with Farage's fundamental belief in the right of very rich people to do whatever they liked, regardless of the law or public health.


When an entitled arsehole is in trouble, Mr Farage will fly to the rescue" said a spokesperson. "First class of course".


Mr Farage has released a video of him meeting Mr Djokovic and his brother. Novak smiles, while his brother is thought to be heard saying in Serbian "So this guy's an immigration lawyer is he? He's got government connections? How da f@ck is he going to help us then?"


Following a sarcastic comment from Andy Murray about the politician being better known for "trying to get Eastern Europeans deported", Farage is thought to have been heard saying he will support Novak if he plays "that Scottish tennis player". Farage was expected to enter the Australian Open himself - the veteran's competition of course - but had to withdraw after recently straining his back jumping on a bandwagon.



First published 11 Jan 2022



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Cricket tour Down Under goes into 15th year





A cricket tour of Australia by a school team first XI from Guildford has entered its 15th year. Due to the achingly slow pace of the sport and the length of matches, there was always a danger that a team somewhere might try and see a tour through to completion.


Head of Tedious Sports at the Royal Grammar School, Jeremy Thwaite said, 'We set out with good and proper intentions. When the first innings of the first match went into its second month, I told the boys to suck it up and see it through. Our strict training programmes at the RGS Guildford prepare boys for long days eating cucumber sandwiches in the pavilion while waiting to bat, and the endless hours of standing around not doing very much on cricket pitches when fielding.


'Unfortunately, the middle three matches of the five-match tour have been declared void as all of the boys were over age by then. But I have had great pleasure watching these boys grow into men. They have, of course, missed the opportunity to receive a tertiary education, begin careers, find partners and start families, but they will always be able to say that they saw this pointless exercise of bat wafting through to its conclusion. Which is, of course, much more important and rewarding than living any other sort of life.


'We're in the final innings of the fifth match now, so we are looking forward to returning home some time in 2036.'


First published 30 Dec 2021


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