Babies | NewsBiscuit

Talcum Powder to be rebranded as 'Best Ass Dust'

rowly
Oct 27

Following the recent lawsuits in USA & UK, a well-known brand of talcum powder has been withdrawn from chemists' shelves by teams in white overalls and breathing apparatus, following revelations that the product contains asbestos.

A spokesman for the un-named company didn’t want to Talc about it, but read out a carefully powdered down statement saying that it had been mis-prescribed as 'Babies Johnson Powder'and that it was meant to be sold exclusively for Boots only.

Image credit: perchance.org

Man campaigning for 'green leave' because he got a new house plant

BangingOnAgain
Oct 23

Pressure is mounting on companies to offer employees' green leave' when they acquire a new house plant.

William Smith has led the campaign after he purchased a medium-sized succulent from Homebase. He has argued that the plant suffers from separation anxiety - turning a 'shade of green' and 'looking depressed' when he leaves for work each day.

'It's been very distressing for both me and her' (William explained the succulent identifies as female and has confirmed its pronouns are 'she/her'). 'I must meet her emotional requirements, which I simply cannot do if I'm sat behind a desk being expected to work. Adopting a house plant is a huge commitment, and my employer needs to respect that and give me six months paid leave immediately'.

William is also demanding 'retrospective paid green leave' for all the house plants he has previously purchased, yet received 'absolutely no time off at all for, meaning he wouldn't return to work until early 2029.

William's employers confirmed they are reviewing his request but did reference the generous paid parental leave they offer, which William turned down when his son was born last year.

Behavioural psychologist Suzie Mittens said this is not unusual behaviour since babies are notoriously a 'massive pain in the arse', unlike house plants. 'Lots of people are starting to realise they are much better off leaving their partner to spend months knee-deep in nappies and taking time off to look after essentially inanimate objects. That way, they can enjoy it without the inconvenience of a small human crying and shitting everywhere. I'm hoping to launch a campaign myself for time off to tend my sourdough next summer'.


Espionage novelists shred two years of work	in paperback and hardback versions	Prime Minister-sized fridge sales to government rocket

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First published 23 Oct 2021

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Spike in cot sales as 'compassionate' anti-abortion victors welcome responsibilities

Filthy Rich
Jun 28

Republicans, vilifiers and hypocrites across all the states who consider reciting “footprints in the sand” a reliable form of contraception are demonstrating their commitment to ‘every life matters’ by opening their lives and McMansions to thousands of unwanted babies.

'It’s only right, drawled Ohio Senator’s wife Mindy Windfall, her arms full of Pottery Barn bassinets. 'Having forced millions of women into the physical and emotional distress of carrying babies they are in no position to raise to an unimaginably traumatic full term, we accept it’s our responsibility to care for them after that.

'I myself am hopin’ to be assigned some premature babies complete with prenatal drug dependency; possible severe developmental issues due to familial rape. I think that’ll be just peachy.'

Other charitable matrons from newly-formed women’s group ‘Republican Visionaries In Landmark Empathy’ (ReVILE) are already rolling up their couture sleeves and taking direct action in “invigorating” deprived neighbourhoods like Millington, Tennessee, and Wooster, Arkansas.

'It’s only fair we downsize some of our privilege to help women access a smidgeon of the education, resources, healthcare, respect, self-worth and agency we take for granted - gosh, that is quite a list, isn’t it?' pondered charity polo supremo Ginny Blueblood, delicately picking her way between bloodied syringes and lost hope. 'It’ll be tough, but my husband and I can probably manage with 25 rooms instead of 75. I think that kind of sacrifice will really help us empathise with these ladies’ situations.

'Sadly, Bob was called away to pick up his secretary. She’s devoted to him; confidentially, I think all those late-night meetings have given her that cute bit o' belly-fat. He says those couple of days away at the health farm have worked wonders. Originally it was conveniently just out of town, but due to administrative complications he had to take her over the border. Luckily there was a private airfield: the Good Lord provides.'

Image from Pixabay by MarkThomas