Breakfast at Number 10

Vegan bacon recalled for tasting too good

The manufacturers of a brand of vegan bacon, Rainbow Peace World Ethical Products, have today issued a recall on the grounds that their product tastes too good.

”We naively assumed what we’d done was a good thing,” said company “spokeshuman” Jolanda Kaftan-Trustfund. “It tasted just like real bacon and didn’t involve any suffering, apart from those who had to suffer the smugness of people buying it.

”However, it turns out most of our customers want it to taste pretty rank, so they can feel even smugger and more virtuous about the sacrifice they’re making in eating it.”

The company food scientists said this was no problem, they’d throw out the new, pleasant tasting recipe and go back to using sawdust mixed with vaseline, like before.

Meanwhile, Kaftan-Trustfund was dismissed from the company for not being a proper vegan, since she’d given an entire 5 minute press conference without telling anyone she was.

image from pixabay

Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens

The Royal Society for the Protection of Burglars has urged people with garden sheds to leave out seed balls, lumps of lard, Rolex watches and widescreen TVs to help those light of finger survive the lean winter months. The number of burglars in the UK has fallen by 75% after a cold spell left them struggling to find open windows and empty houses. Robin Toerags and Great Tits could face extinction if temperatures continue to fall.

An RSPB spokesperson said:

‘Burglars rely heavily on the Christmas period to put on an some extra wonga. Sub-zero temperatures mean they are struggling to find items they can easily convert into cash or weed. We urge people to leave a window open so these beautiful little creatures can nick their stuff and shit on their duvets.’

There is some good news for House Martins and Dunnocks. These cheeky little scamps have adopted distraction techniques to get inside the homes of elderly people. Cute video clips of their hilarious antics can be viewed on YouTube.

You can help the RSBP in their important work by buying a wall chart that identifies offenders. You can also take practical steps to ensure they visit your garden on a regular basis. The RSPB has asked people to keep a close eye on their cats. ‘We’ll nick anything,’ the spokesperson said.

Bill Oddie refused to comment.