Budget: Rishi Sunak to pledge £30bn for suffering bankers say sources

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It's understood that in this week's Budget, the Chancellor of the Exchequer aims to level up the earning power of the financial sector by scrapping non-essential professions.

'When you look at the numbers, menial workers such as cleaners, bar staff, shelf stackers, refuse collectors and school teachers contribute very little to the UK economy,' said an anonymous source from the treasury, believed to be working on the final details. 'And yet, in recent years, we have seen bonuses paid to City traders and bankers – our true wealth creators – dwindle to unacceptably low levels. This has to stop.

'I know what it’s like to feel the heavy burden of unfair taxation, the department official added. 'When I was at Goldman Sachs, it was virtually impossible to eke out an existence on a paltry £5m bonus. How are you supposed to build a London property portfolio on that kind of money?

'But I would see supermarket workers and healthcare assistants happily accept housing benefit handouts from the public purse before I even got to see a single penny of that rental income. And where do those handouts ultimately come from? Yes, our beleaguered finance industry.

'To address this terrible imbalance, the chancellor will tackle the problem head-on by criminalising a series of low-performance occupations, and retrain affected workers. With the government's £30bn scheme they will have the opportunity to become financial advisors, actuaries, bankers and – in extreme cases like the chancellor – married relatives of foreign billionaires.'

The move is expected to play well in The City, with reports that already multiple orders for Louis Roederer Cristal Gold Medalion Orfevres Limited Edition Brut have been placed with wine merchants, in readiness to celebrate the news when it is announced.

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair is said to be very happy with the proposals.

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Financial Services Authority considering doing 'something' at some stage

Insiders say Britain's financial regulator is planning to 'do something', possibly as early as next year.

The Financial Services Authority, which is employed to govern and regulate the banks, is rumoured to be anxious for some kind of 'eye-catching initiative'.

Senior members of the FSA are known to have held an emergency meeting, and brainstormed ideas for stunts that would win the public's approval. A cleaner who saw flipchart notes, says some of the early ideas mooted were 'a competition giving away a free iPad', 'some kind of website or Twitter thing' and an 'FSA trade magazine with a celebrity on the front'.

Another idea the committee liked involved some kind of commitment to diversity, or a statement about people needing to recycle more, or something. Though there was a lot of enthusiasm for this 'strong, well thought out concept' it was shelved because it was discovered that OFCOM is planning something similar.

In the end, the committee decided that it was time to 'get tough', very publicly, on people who steal pens from banks. 'This is costing banks anything up to £50 billion a year and could be the real reason why Britain has gone into an irreversible decline.' said one insider.

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