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The newly launched app-based 'First UK Cyberbank' says that it could not find a sassy, wacky and cheeky name, because all the good ones had gone. And it isn't thrilled with its initials, either.


'People will still remember Goldfish, Egg and Smile,' said a spokes-suit. 'Online customers know about Starling and Atom and Zilch and Biscuit and Monzo and Revolut. We wanted a short, memorable and snappy name too, but it was not to be.


'Our preferred list of names included Zing, Bazooka, Blammo, Squirl, Spank, and Willy Wonga. Unbelievably, all these names had already been registered. So we moved down our list. Bread, Moolah, Do$h, Lolly, Wedge, Dough - all taken. Smackers, Ackers, Spondulicks, Shrapnel - all gone too. And it turns out that Snatch, Bajingo and Fandango are NSFW.


'So that's how we ended up as a bank with a really dull name. We're the Colin of banks.


'Incidentally, when we checked, we could have called ourselves Colin. But that was too wacky, even for us.



image credit: perchance.org



A City Trader snorted a line of cocaine from a stripper's cleavage before noting that having a former hedge fund manager as PM meant financial deregulation was inevitable.


'Rishi is removing protections designed to prevent a repeat of the 2008 financial crisis so that we can learn nothing and do it again. Yay! The City of London is like The Purge now and we know the government will bail us out with zero consequences. Well, zero consequences for us. By the time we've siphoned off our cut to the Cayman Islands - tax free obvs - there will be nothing for public services for you plebs. I've always thought there were too many public libraries and social care was too well funded anyway. Plus Rishi can make sure whatever scraps we leave only go to the most affluent areas. He said so himself, in public, on camera. Ha ha. Legend.'




First published 14 Dec 2022


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In an ironic twist, Monzo Bank today took the decision to replace their CTO Lolly Dinero with an automated system following the publication of her proposal to automate areas of the government.


'Her justification was clear and concise,' Said CEO Isa Rate. 'She showed clearly that many government decisions could be solved by an algorithm and the majority of communication came in one of five categories. When we got AI to analyse her conclusions, the parallels between this and her job were evident, so we decided to practice what we preach and made her redundant.'


Speaking outside the bank's headquarters in London while holding a box of her worldly possessions, Ms Dinero was philosophical about the outcome, telling us, 'I suppose I should have seen it coming. We've got rid of people at the bottom thanks to things like online banking, it was only a matter of time until it bit at the top of the organisation. I'm sure my digital successor will do the job well, though I have no idea how they'll make decisions without my magic 8-ball.'


When asked what the future held, she replied, 'I'll be ok, I'm going to try my hand at a few things that are safe from the expanding remit of AI. I've always fancied writing a book or taking up art.'



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