BBC airs 'Dr Who and the Garlics' to win over French haters

'We've taken a lot of flack from the right wing press for apparently being biased towards the left,' said a spokes-Tardis for the BBC.

'So to prove how totally impartial we are, we're putting out a show which serves up some truly loathsome foreign villains for Tories and Reform voters to despise.

'It's a special edition of Dr Who in which the doctor, played by an in-form Nigel Farage, takes on a bunch of shifty, treacherous French humanoid machines called the Garlics who want to subject Britain to European rule again.

'Armed with only a sonic vodka and orange screwdriver and 200 Rothmans, Farage's Doctor Who defeats Macron, the evil Garlic leader, by boring him and everyone else to death with a series of interminable press conferences.

'We've really done the background on this,' said the BBC spokes-Jelly Baby, looking increasingly embarrassed at what he had been made to read out.

'The Farage doctor regenerated from the Enoch Powell doctor. He, in turn, regenerated from Oswald Mosley and Lord Haw Haw.

'And the Farage doctor is a Time Lord, all right, because what he really wants is to take Britain back in time to the 1930s and then lord it over everyone as prime minister.'

Image: WixAI

Race to become BBC's new chief suit: who are you betting on?

Campaigning is underway amongst candidates vying for the top job in British broadcasting: Suit-General of the BBC.

This prestigious post requires the holder to wear a suit (glasses optional), attend meetings and think of ways to spend the £585,000 annual salary. Occasionally, the Suit-General must attend parliamentary committee hearings and spend an afternoon there sounding tongue-tied while gulping like a landed trout.

Who are you putting your shirt on for this coveted post?

Liz Truss: Not a stayer, and incurably insane, but she can be trusted to produce some stunningly bad news for BBC journalists to cover - 2/5

Jordan, aka Katie Price: has some giant assets to bring to the role - 3/5

Lord Birt of Dalekshire: crisis times at the corporation could see the return of the BBC's most unloveable sci-fi character ever. Exterminated everyone's will to live in the 1990s by constantly croaking about upward vectoring cost curves - 1/100 outsider

Sooty and Sweep: these loveable BBC bureaucrat puppets from the 1970s could also make a comeback - 5/3 odds on

Donald Trump - the chance to talk about himself constantly across the BBC's 4 TV channels, 6 radio stations and dozens of pages online could prove irresistible to the world's most relentless self-promoter. He's suing the Beeb for $1bn, so if he takes it over he'll be suing and bankrupting himself - 100/1 odds on favourite.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Trump to sue BBC over The Apprentice

The President has threatened to sue for $1bn, unless the Beeb remove footage that makes him look like a d%&k - specifically 14 seasons of The Apprentice. Editors are accused of splicing footage to make it look like Trump can string a sentence together or hold a rationale thought. An accusation vehemently denied, by Trump.

Filmed in Trump Towers, the show pretended that the President was solvent, knew something about business and was not molesting half the crew. This gross distortion of the facts, gave the false impression that he was of sound mind and testicles.

Trump said the BBC had repeatedly spread lies about him, making it impossible for people to take his bright orange face seriously. Even accusations that he visited the Epstein Island to have carnal knowledge of an african antelope have been dismissed by Trump as fake gnus. The Beeb have one month to come up with the cash, or he will withhold paying for his TV license.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive