Streeting tells paranoid that mental illness is fake

Following the Health Secretary declaring that mental illness is over-diagnosed, there has been a spike in nationwide depression. He explained that anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts was just having a normal, healthy reaction to having him as Health Secretary.

His spokeswoman insisted:

'Paranoia is not a thing' Which is exactly what we thought she would say. 'Gaslighting? There's no such thing.'

She said people just need to get back to work, not that it would solve their mental health problems but it would at least give them something tangible to moan about. 'They are all fine, it's just in their heads.'

David Cameron to join cast of EastEnders

The showbiz world is tonight agog following a shock announcement former PM, David Cameron, is to make his TV acting debut in top BBC soap EastEnders later in the year.

Reprising the role of James Wilmott-Brown and perfectly cast as a feckless toff, Mr Cameron's character will become a thorn in the side of tough guy Grant Mitchell, with the pair's blockbusting storyline concluding in the highly coveted Christmas Day episode.

'We expect ratings to soar from November when David's scenes start to go out,' commented one show insider.

Meanwhile Ross Kemp who plays Mitchell said, 'I'm looking forward to meeting Dave. But if he knows what's good for him he'll keep his neck wound in. Else the muppet's liable to get a right good slap if he tries coming it large with any of that old "Lord Muck" bollocks.'

Danny Dyer to join Starmer’s US negotiating team

This morning the Prime Minster announced that Danny Dyer will be joining his US trade negotiating team. Starmer said “In films Danny Dyer has proved himself adept at working in environments populated by poorly educated sociopaths, therefore Trump’s Whitehouse should be easy for him to deal with.”

Sir Keir went on, “Negotiating with them won’t be easy though, they are a very tough, but no tougher than the Millwall were outside the Bell-End Pub, and besides JD Vance is not expected to be tooled up, other than by carrying a laptop.” Danny Dyer has been warned in advance not to offer 'marching powder' during the discussions because Trump doesn’t do drugs and Sir Keir has very limited nasal passageways.

image from pixabay

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