Trump to sue BBC over The Apprentice

The President has threatened to sue for $1bn, unless the Beeb remove footage that makes him look like a d%&k - specifically 14 seasons of The Apprentice. Editors are accused of splicing footage to make it look like Trump can string a sentence together or hold a rationale thought. An accusation vehemently denied, by Trump.

Filmed in Trump Towers, the show pretended that the President was solvent, knew something about business and was not molesting half the crew. This gross distortion of the facts, gave the false impression that he was of sound mind and testicles.

Trump said the BBC had repeatedly spread lies about him, making it impossible for people to take his bright orange face seriously. Even accusations that he visited the Epstein Island to have carnal knowledge of an african antelope have been dismissed by Trump as fake gnus. The Beeb have one month to come up with the cash, or he will withhold paying for his TV license.

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Oh, NOW the BBC are biased?

With the resignation of the Director General, many viewers have been left asking - why did it take so long? Said one viewer 'If BBC bias didn't exist, how do you explain the coverage of Gaza or - even worse - the laughter track on Mrs. Brown's Boys?'

'If the BBC weren't peddling propaganda how do explain the obsession with Nigel Farage and that Man Utd always feature in Match of the Day?'

Finally the Beeb has been forced to apologise for depicting Trump as a fascist, which he was fully capable of doing all by himself. They let editorial standards change- they just didn't say in which direction. And they promised never to get caught faking the news again, the key word being 'caught'.

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Tories cackle in anticipation as BBC searches for new boss

'Hunting down and culling BBC director-generals is the one blood sport still legal in Britain,' bayed a Tory Party spokes-hound as the rest of his pack slavered and cackled at the fun to come, 'so we're going to make damned sure the next chase is especially gruesome.

'Tim Davie was a tricky one to catch. He was the greased pig of British broadcasting. We thought we'd got him on the Gaza documentary, and then the Bob Vylan chant at Glastonbury, but he slipped our clutch each time.

'The ideal person for us next to pursue and slaughter would be someone who has gained years of editorial and management experience at the very highest levels but who actually hasn't a clue what they are doing, and will blunder into any trap set for them.

'That's why we're pushing for Boris Johnson to get the job.'

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