UK Palestine recognition explained

The United Kingdom is aiming to recognise a two state solution for Israel and Palestine unless Israel recognises a two state solution for Israel and Palestine, in which case the offer is off the table.

'Of course we'd love to support a two state solution, but if Israel want to do it we'll sit back and probably tut,' said a UK spokesperson today.  He added that if the US recognised a two state solution then the UK 'probably will, too, but not if Russia does, unless Russia and the US agree to both recognise a two state solution. In that case we might.  Or might not,' the spokesman said.

'Is that clear enough?' he asked.

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MasterChef to Replace Hosts with Stand-Ins

The BBC has announced the series of MasterChef filmed prior to the production company investigations into the conduct of hosts Gregg Wallace and John Torode will now be shown with extensive editing, including the replacement of both with stand-ins.

"It's been a logistical challenge," said Nono Dodat, Head of Compliance. "We've brought in people who've worked on productions where the major difference was the stars had actually died rather than just being dead to everyone. They advised us to keep the long shots, then use a mixture of body-doubles and CGI on the close-ups to ensure no-one has to palpably wince as the two of them nibble at yet another potato fondant with a truffle foam."

The Corporation has also addressed the issue of voices through looking to its past, as Dodat explained, "The original idea was continued narration by our usual cast. However, she's on holiday at the moment, so we decided to take a leaf out of the old News reports and simply get an available actor to overdub both John and Gregg, like they had to do with Gerry Adams in the 90s. It works really well and an Ulster accent really suits John."

Prior to the broadcast, the replacement for Gregg has not been named, but documents released by the BBC show the purchase of a bag of googly eyes and two-dozen eggs.

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BBC announces first ever AI concert at the Proms

The BBC has confirmed this year's Proms will reach another milestone, when on July 30th the music will be provided by AI, two Apple Mac computers and Sir Cliff Richard.

Festival Director, David St. Hubbins* commented: 'In our modern AI digital age this was really an inevitable development. On the night the programme will consist of two thirty-minute pieces improvised by Artificial Intelligence. We're all very excited.

'Quite literally we might hear anything. So you see, once again The Proms shows it is not the stuffy preserve of the luvvies and la-di-da upper classes. Au contraire, it's at the very cutting-edge of artistic creativity.'

When one puzzled reporter asked what role Sir Cliff Richard was to play in the event, St Hubbins said, 'Oh, well,of course, he's our fallback performer in case there's a power cut.'

Picture credit: Wix AI