'We realise that Google executive Matt Brittin has zero experience in the broadcasting sector,' said a spokesman for the BBC Board of Governors, while placing burning matches between the new Director-General's toes, 'but Matt proved that he's a voracious glutton for punishment and that's exactly what the job entails.
'He impressed us right off the bat at the interview when he entered the room with a bed of nails and lay down on it before demonstrating his ability to walk over broken glass with a bright smile on his face.
'This showed that Mr Brittin might just about be capable of handling hours-long appearances before parliamentary select committees, answering questions about broadcasting from MPs who are too dim to be able to tune their car radios.
'And also to take personal responsibility for thousands of hours of radio and TV content which he could not possibly have had any control over.
'We were also impressed by the runner-up candidate, who simultaneously garotted himself at the interview while swallowing strychnine. We had no hesitation in recommending him to the Football Association to be the next England manager.'
Image credit: perchance.org
Two early episodes of Doctor Who, which have been recently found in an old cardboard box, are to be lost again.
The episodes, which last annoyed viewers in the 1960's, are thought to have been recorded by a viewer at time of broadcast, and swiftly put in the attic in an attempt to forget them forever. Many who saw the original shows have long held out hope that the episodes had been wiped.
An archivist at the BBC said: "the film was in a terrible state, with ramshackle special effects, shoddy acting and gaping plot holes. The appearance of trundling Daleks halfway through was particularly nauseating."
"We had a team of experts working on it for several weeks to try to make the footage unwatchable. Removing the film from its cannister was a fraught process in itself, for fear of it failing to combust on exposure to air."
Experts hope that this latest expelling of episodes will spur people on to recall other examples of appalling science fiction, risible sitcoms and amateurish drama they have on tape, which might be ripe for abandonment in attics, storerooms or garden sheds.
Image: sinepax - Pixabay