BBC will outsource future drama projects to Acton am-dram group

In the wake of another attack by Prime Minister Boris Johnson (you're not dreaming, he still is), the BBC announced a move that will no longer see them paying top stars large salaries.

The corporation is to close its world-famous drama studio later this year, and instead all future programmes will be produced and staged by amateur dramatic society, St Michael’s Strolling Players from Acton.

The first programme slated under the new arrangement will an adaptation of the James Joyce classic, Ulysses, with bus driver Alan Chivers cast in the role of Leopold Bloom. The production is to be broadcast live from Acton Drill Hall to save on costly studio sets and recording facilities.

Daphne Miller, a doctor’s receptionist and the group’s creative director said: ‘Alan’s really not bad at all once he's had a few brandies to settle his nerves. His Sky Masterson, when we did Guys and Dolls last Summer, was two-starred by the The Acton Bugle's arts critic.

'Yes, he can be a little shaky remembering lines, but if we write them on bits of the set I'm sure it’ll be alright on the night.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mauriciokell-149623/

Tories to fully fund Tory Conversion Therapy

Having abandoned abandoning conversion therapy in the UK, the government aims to convert conversion therapy into Tory conversion therapy. The magic money tree will be shaken hard enough to allow the programme to roll out immediately and nationwide, especially in marginal constituencies.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said: ‘When you are responsible for as much sleaze, unnecessary suffering and death as we are, how else do you ensure a Conservative landslide at a general election? Apart from a totally compliant media and the Keir Starmer charisma vacuum of course. We like to think it as remoulding people – remoulding them into regressive, bigoted Tories – a sentient version of the Daily Telegraph comments section.’

Amy Armstrong accidentally attended an early version of such a course and afterwards looked glassy-eyed as she intoned ‘I used to think it was sad that refugees – aka people – died trying to make a better life for themselves in Britain. Now I’m happy to see those Britain-haters drown. There is no cost of living crisis. Defund the BBC. Sell the NHS. Spitfires. Imperial weights and measures. Britannia ruling the waves. Working people must pay for MPs wallpaper. And their holidays.’

Carruthers commented ‘Give someone a Tory promise and they’ll vote Tory once. Indoctrinate the whole population in Tory lies and Boris will be Prime Minister until you or civilisation as a whole, crumbles into dust.’

Image: JacksonDavid | Pixabay

Recently retired woman finally understands why she commuted for 50 years

A recent Crowdscience episode about migratory animals has helped a woman who commuted daily from Birmingham to London and back again understand why she did the commute. "It was obviously natural instinct kicking in and there was nothing I could have done about it, even though I hated commuting." she told our reporter. "They said on the wireless how exhausted migratory animals get on their travels, and to be honest, I felt the same on the occasions I fell asleep on the train and ended up in Crewe. "All the messing about waiting for a train that would take me somewhere sensible and work out how to get a ticket from a machine after the ticket office was unmanned would take hours, so I would just get one back to London, or be late for work the next day." We asked the commuter, who preferred us to withhold her name how she came to hear the programme when it was broadcast, at it will have coincided with her train journey. "Thankfully I've reached retirement age," she replied. "So I got the chance to hear it. "If those scientists who study migratory stuff had any compassion, they'd work out a way to let birds and wildebeest hear it too, so they'd think about retiring as well."