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Tories to fully fund Tory Conversion Therapy

Having abandoned abandoning conversion therapy in the UK, the government aims to convert conversion therapy into Tory conversion therapy. The magic money tree will be shaken hard enough to allow the programme to roll out immediately and nationwide, especially in marginal constituencies.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said: ‘When you are responsible for as much sleaze, unnecessary suffering and death as we are, how else do you ensure a Conservative landslide at a general election? Apart from a totally compliant media and the Keir Starmer charisma vacuum of course. We like to think it as remoulding people – remoulding them into regressive, bigoted Tories – a sentient version of the Daily Telegraph comments section.’

Amy Armstrong accidentally attended an early version of such a course and afterwards looked glassy-eyed as she intoned ‘I used to think it was sad that refugees – aka people – died trying to make a better life for themselves in Britain. Now I’m happy to see those Britain-haters drown. There is no cost of living crisis. Defund the BBC. Sell the NHS. Spitfires. Imperial weights and measures. Britannia ruling the waves. Working people must pay for MPs wallpaper. And their holidays.’

Carruthers commented ‘Give someone a Tory promise and they’ll vote Tory once. Indoctrinate the whole population in Tory lies and Boris will be Prime Minister until you or civilisation as a whole, crumbles into dust.’

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