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Disappointing children’s action figure Rishi Sunak has urged homeowners to work harder on their drinking in order to overcome rising mortgages.
‘Look, I realise most people are paying an extra £500 per month, and that’s apparently challenging for many of you’, he told reporters. ‘That’s why we’ve reduced the price of a pint of beer by 11p. A mere 151 pints a day is the break-even point. Obviously it would be better if you just bought the house outright, but if you will insist on using a mortgage you can now offset some or all of the additional expense with cheap beer’.
Critics have pointed out that beer duty hasn’t fallen, it’s stayed the same – in pubs – while rising 10.1% on cans and bottles from off-licences.
‘Ah’, said Sunak, ‘I’m glad you spotted that. Inflation means that a price freeze is the same as a price cut. Glad we cleared that up. I want to get people back into pubs – don’t ask me why, I assume Infosys has just bought a few thousand – so I’m making them more competitive’.
If the beer thing proves popular with voters Sunak has promised to take a look at bread and circuses.
Dave (28) is on his third stag event this year. He had to fake diphtheria to get the time off work, and is currently trying not to throw up whilst paragliding.
‘I’ve always hated heights’, he told reporters. ‘And crowds. Enforced jollity. I don’t even like the taste of beer but whenever I ask for a diet coke they bring me a pint of lager anyway. Oh shit, let me down, please’.
Dave’s leg is sore after an unwise visit to a backstreet tattoo artist, though on the plus side he now has the Chinese characters for “Early closing every Wednesday” running down his thigh. He thinks it’s a quotation from Sun Tzu’s Art of War.
Dave’s in Ibiza with five mates. The names vary but it’s the same characters – Hollow Legs, Dickhead, Tight-Arse, Boner and Nonce. They all seem really happy so Dave doesn’t feel he can disclose his preference for a good Jane Austen novel and an early night. 80% of Dave’s take-home pay is spent servicing parties he hates. In a couple of days he’ll be able to go home and start saving for the next one.
‘I think we should be able to add it to our student loan, really’, he told NewsBiscuit. ‘Or maybe we could combine it with a gap year and do a gap stag year. Like a Moonie wedding but in Ibiza and everybody’s wasted’.
Dave stores that thought up so he has something to say later when the conversation turns to football. He wonders if any of the others feel the same way but then spots Nonce yelling obscenities at a schoolgirl while Dickhead pukes from an open-topped bus onto a passing nun, and stifles the thought. ‘Soon be over’, he thinks.
Image: Pexels - Pixabay
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