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Man substitutes personality for Madri obsession


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A man has successfully substituted his entire personality for an obsession with Madri.


The popular beer has been the drink of choice for many in the U.K. this summer and is now a common sight at most pubs.


But the beer has attracted a crowd of people who have nothing to offer anyone but a monologue about how much they love Madri.


One man in particular, Simon Jones, has cut off his friends and family over the last few months.


His friend, John Cavanagh, said: “it all started with the first sip back in June. He immediately began banging on about how it was much smoother than other beers and was far superior to anything out there.

“He then bought the merchandise - key rings, shirts, socks - even Madri flavoured condoms.


“He laughs at us if we drink anything other than Madri and lectures us on its taste.”


It is understood that his friends have been trying to get Simon to take part in some form of rehabilitation.


John added: “We just want our old Carling drinking friend back. Madri is like a monster inside him - a monster that won’t bloody shut up about Madri’s smoothness.”


Author: CaptainParrot




First published 8 Nov 2022


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Britain to Run Out of Beer Before Suncream

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With the UK in the grip of a mini heatwave and temperatures peaking this weekend, supermarkets report they are running low on typical hot weather items such as beer and ice cream. However, stocks of suncream remain plentiful.


"People need to respect the sun," consultant dermatologist Lucy Whitehead told us. "In Australia, they had great success with their 'slip, slop, slap' campaign. When we tried that here, a lot of men just thought we were describing a good Saturday night out. Brits think they can't get sunburn in the UK, like there's some form of special sunlight here that is made by St George or something, which explains the smell of roast pork mixed with aloe vera every time I visit Sainsbury's."


Outside a Sainsbury's in Basildon, several lobster-toned men are planning for the weekend by filling cars with crates of drinks and bags of barbequeable meat, but UV protection is nowhere to be seen. "It's not like Spanish sun, you don't burn like you do there," one medium-rare gentleman told us. "My uncle never wore anything to protect him; not in 1976, not any day he worked outside, and not when he got diagnosed with melanoma in his 50's. If it gets a bit much, I just have a dunk in the paddling pool and I'm right as rain. Besides, it all turns to tan a few days later and I get a healthy bronze glow. It's also good for my eczema, I'm hoping it'll help this red patch on my arm that's really uncomfortable and just won't go away."


image from pixabay



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