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With the UK in the grip of a mini heatwave and temperatures peaking this weekend, supermarkets report they are running low on typical hot weather items such as beer and ice cream. However, stocks of suncream remain plentiful.


"People need to respect the sun," consultant dermatologist Lucy Whitehead told us. "In Australia, they had great success with their 'slip, slop, slap' campaign. When we tried that here, a lot of men just thought we were describing a good Saturday night out. Brits think they can't get sunburn in the UK, like there's some form of special sunlight here that is made by St George or something, which explains the smell of roast pork mixed with aloe vera every time I visit Sainsbury's."


Outside a Sainsbury's in Basildon, several lobster-toned men are planning for the weekend by filling cars with crates of drinks and bags of barbequeable meat, but UV protection is nowhere to be seen. "It's not like Spanish sun, you don't burn like you do there," one medium-rare gentleman told us. "My uncle never wore anything to protect him; not in 1976, not any day he worked outside, and not when he got diagnosed with melanoma in his 50's. If it gets a bit much, I just have a dunk in the paddling pool and I'm right as rain. Besides, it all turns to tan a few days later and I get a healthy bronze glow. It's also good for my eczema, I'm hoping it'll help this red patch on my arm that's really uncomfortable and just won't go away."


image from pixabay





A spokesman for Wetherspoons Pubs today asked the Government to rethink stricter PIP rules which they believe unfairly disadvantages their regular clients.


Inviting Wes Streeting to visit his local Wetherspoons, the Spokesman say he will meet drinkers or lager enthusiasts as we like to call them that that rely on PIP to keep their hydration levels up. Drinking from 11am to 7pm doesn’t come cheap and if you add in a quick Chicken Tikka, costs soon mount up.


Giving an example, he said, Big Dave (not his real name), is only slowly recovering from being triggered when a so called friend suggested that Dave could apply for a job at his local Tesco.


Despite being fully aware of Dave’s deep seated phobia of work, the friend went onto list the shifts available, some starting from as early as 10am, Dave is only now after intensive counselling starting to feel confident enough to leave the safety of his favourite booth.


What rubs salt into the wound says Wetherspoons is that all our drinkers feel betrayed, they all Voted Reform only to be stabbed in the back by Labour.


Photo by George Bakos on Unsplash

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