How did England cricketers get drunk on awful Aussie lager?

After reports of failing to hold their weak, tasteless so-called beer during the current Ashes tour, an investigation has been launched into the appalling drinking performance of the English cricket team.

Apparently, England have been totally outclassed by their hosts so far on this tour. Batters were battered and bowlers got hammered despite the lack of alcohol in the nation’s beverages, much to the amusement of the locals.

Critics point to the lack of preparation, saying that there should have been more acclimatisation of the players to the impotence of a gallon of Fosters. However, it has been pointed out that they didn’t waste too much time playing cricket before the First Test, so they should have been adequately prepared.

The investigation will look at the tactics employed by the Aussies, including the possibility that they over-pitchered their deliveries. However, it is considered that the England players should have been able to handle any volume of the watery amber liquid.

The report that Freddie Flintoff is to join the squad has not been confirmed.

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