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Titus - Mar 9, 2022
Team Britain is doing well so far in this year's Alcoholympics, popularly known as the Paralytic Games, where competitors have to be completely shit-faced but are usually fully able-bodied otherwise. Events include not only indoor games like darts, dominoes, quoits, pool, snooker, billiards, shove-ha'penny and skittles, as well as less athletic games like crib, poker, phat (for those from the Welsh Marches) and tens (for refugees from South wales) but also more fiercely competitive outdoor games out in the car park.
These slightly more aggressive games include oiyouspilledmypint, ourfootyteamisbetterthanyourfootyteam, and perhaps the most combative car-park game of all, areyoulookinatmybird, with its accompanying comeonthenifyouthinkyourehardenough variant. Major sponsors include Fullers, Greene King and Wetherspoons.
However the Paralytic Games are only just recovering for a major scandal of a few years ago when, amid much controversy, the Swiss team was banned following a drugs test in which the whole team were found to be completely free of any mind-altering substances whatsoever, not even alcohol. 'This was an outrage' complained one unsteadily-swaying British competitor 'The sneaky bastards were trying to gain a completely unfair advantage over the rest of the world's decent, respectable piss-heads'.
In a surprise announcement today a spokesperson for the Queen admitted she responded to the BYOB email sent from Downing Street on the eve of Prince Philip's funeral. 'To be honest, all One wanted to do was get shit-faced,' said the statement. 'One's courtiers were keeping a distance, several were in isolation and one, who has since been dismissed, was on a ventilator without permission. One had a tough gig in the morning in Westminster Abbey and the invite came at the right time'.
'One searched the Royal fridge for some Stella or Sambuca. It seemed Philip polished off the Stella before going downhill and One hadn't been to Asda to replenish. Unfortunately there was only a third of a bottle of Sambuca left and One polished it off before One's Uber arrived, so One arrived at Downing Street empty handed. One's bad. Anyway One found that the Downing Street crew had popped to Bargain Booze with a suitcase so One didn't need to bring anything after all.
'Long story short, One was left hanging off the Downing Street railings at five in the morning, cue return Uber, home, shit and shower and then One sat in a quiet dark spot in Westminster Abbey on One's own. To be fair, One needed the peace and quiet.
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