Fiscal black hole to be solved by fraud initiative

The government has run a trial project identifying benefit fraud where claimants leaving the UK for more than eight weeks have their benefits stopped. Claimants are expected to stop claiming in these circumstances but many don't.

The government set fifteen investigators who reclaimed £17M. They are increasing the number of investigators to 200 and hope to recover £350m.

'If that works we'll increase the investigator numbers to three million and we should be able to close the £80B black hole overnight,' said a government spokesman. When asked if some of the investigators could be used to look into large scale tax evasion by billionaires his microphone mysteriously cut off and he developed a serious cough so we'll have to get back to that question in a decade or three.

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Too easy to become an MP in the UK, say benefit claimants

Benefit claimants say that it is too easy for people to become an MP in the UK, as they set out proposals to make the process tougher.

A spokesman for the activist group said that there needed to be a ‘crackdown on rich people exploiting the system’.

In a speech setting out new proposals, the spokesman said, ‘Our Parliamentary system is being exploited by a whole bunch of rich people with no practical experience and second class degrees in PPE. The job must be done by people with better experience of real life.

‘It is not unreasonable to expect our MPs to have been to a state school, had proper jobs, used the NHS, and been through the justice system. I acknowledge that many MPs do eventually go through the justice system, but it would be much better if this happened before they got elected. ‘

Labour and the Conservative parties warned that the proposal could see talented and capable rich people being denied the opportunity to make laws, charge expenses and get good jobs in the city afterwards.

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Welfare reform: parents to be responsible for their kids until they are 30

The government has today announced a further initiative to reform state welfare provision. In future, the government will make parents legally and financially responsible for their children until they reach the age of 30.

This means adults under 30 will be expected to live at home if they cannot afford their own place, and they will not be eligible for any state benefits.

‘Everyone thinks kids are cute,’ said a spokesman, ‘until they are old enough to have mobile phones and get stroppy.  Then it gets tougher.  We want to reinforce the responsibilities of parents in starting a family, and we want to avoid feckless Gen-Z snowflakes from clogging up the benefit system.  It’s costing us a fortune.

‘Parents usually know how to keep their kids in line – the naughty step, being grounded, star charts, removal of their bedroom door, etcetera – so we think that this is very doable.  It will also give the children a tremendous incentive to get jobs and earn enough money to get their own place.  There is only so much outdoor sex that you can have before you get caught.’

‘This will avoid all the tedious arguments about whether state benefits should cover one, two or three streaming services, for example.   And disagreements about whether the state should pay for Frosties and Cocoa Pops and Ready Brek and Multigrain Cheerios.  In future, all those discussions can be settled by the parents.  We respect that fact that different parents will reach different decisions. That’s quite acceptable in a democratic society.’

The initiative will generate massive savings on the welfare bill and ease pressures on social housing.

The government is also considering if children should be responsible for their elderly parents, once they are older than 75. This could generate big savings on the cost of care homes. This further initiative would provide a helpful counterbalance to the new policy on parental responsibility.  Parents would need to be reasonable with their children under 30, or they could face retribution once they are over 75.

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