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Plan to award medals for going to work


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After successive admirations made it impossible to educate children with innate vocational skills to get on in life, other than to join the armed forces and be shouted and shot at, the government is wondering whether a scheme to entice youngsters to get off their arses and get a medal for everyday they turn up to work, will be advantageous to the economy.


The scheme is based on observations youngsters with excellent academic abilities who did well at school, went to university and left with decent degrees, took jobs in MacDonald's, earning promotion through stars they gained; and among those who managed to survive an entire day, are now candidates to become the next BBC Director General.


Photo by Yang Plasticine on Unsplash


Nigel Farage commits to reintroducing - then filling - Workhouses for the poor

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Following on from his manifesto pledge to reduce the minimum wage for the young, Nigel Farage has also laid out plans to re-introduce workhouses for poor children.


'If you haven't worked hard enough to make a decent living to be able to send your child to a private school', said Mr Farage, 'we want to provide options for working families and remove the need for non-working families to claim benefits. Workhouses are the future with a nod to the past.'


Although Mr Farage was light on details and arrangements, he generally said that workhouses would be compulsory for all children from families that claimed any sort of benefits. Controversially, this includes disability independent living payments with his logic being, 'well they're sitting down anyway, they might as well fix mail sacks or repair vapes or something'.


Mr Farage told press that many public libraries would be repurposed as well as community centres and certain areas of job centres.


'The time has come to put the poor and needy to work for their expensive lifestyles', he concluded, 'I'm sure there are some golf courses too that could do with a good lawn mow!'


Image: WixAI

Fiscal black hole to be solved by fraud initiative

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The government has run a trial project identifying benefit fraud where claimants leaving the UK for more than eight weeks have their benefits stopped. Claimants are expected to stop claiming in these circumstances but many don't.


The government set fifteen investigators who reclaimed £17M. They are increasing the number of investigators to 200 and hope to recover £350m.


'If that works we'll increase the investigator numbers to three million and we should be able to close the £80B black hole overnight,' said a government spokesman. When asked if some of the investigators could be used to look into large scale tax evasion by billionaires his microphone mysteriously cut off and he developed a serious cough so we'll have to get back to that question in a decade or three.




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