AI, Global Warming and Atomic War all banned as racehorse names

The Jockey Club has taken the unusual step of banning some possible names for racehorses to prevent them battling it out in a future Grand National photo finish.

‘We all know life imitates art’, a spokesman said, ‘and we’re frankly pretty f*cking terrified that one day we’ll hear some overexcited commentator describing AI, Global Warming and Atomic War all racing to the finish. I never want to hear ‘. . . . and it’s Global Warming, Global Warming pushing past AI to . . . no, AI has put on a burst and will end the race first!’ ‘

Online gambling companies, no strangers to suicide promotion, have expressed ‘deep disappointment’ at the move. ‘We’re deeply disappointed at the move’, a spokesman said. ‘Still, if punters can’t bet on apocalyptic horses, the least we can do is offer great odds on the apocalypse itself. We’re currently offering 1,000-1 on mankind being eradicated by Atomic War before 2030. You don’t see odds like that every day. Got to be worth a punt’.

In other news, Donald Trump is believed to have placed a massive wager on all three. ‘Donald is the greatest, and possibly the last, President America has ever had’, a spokeswoman said. ‘He intends to go out with a bang. That’s a clue, have a nice day’.

Image: YenniVance - Pixabay

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Betfred holds 7,500 hostages over tax freedom demands

Betfred are willing to dispose of thousands of innocent employees if the government fails to drop their massive, unrealistic, excessive tax on their massive, unrealistic, excessive profits.

The terrorist leader, billionaire owner Fred, made demands on a news broadcast, saying they would have to get rid of the 7,500 hostages if the government implements their proposed gambling tax. 'We will 'retire' a hostage, every hour, on the hour, until our requirements are met. Once the guarantees are confirmed, I will leave. No, I don’t need a helicopter, I’ve already got one.

'We just want a free betting environment,' he continued. 'We are not violent extremists, more like freespin fighters. The oppressive Labour regime is committing atrocities on our profits. If they don’t want to see bodies out on the streets, then they must give us access to our God given obscene bonuses.'

Fred, AKA Freddy the Weasel, Whiney Fred and Freddie Two-Yachts, was calling from an undisclosed location, but probably his £7.5million house in Manchester, or his Lake District mansion, or his property in the South of France.

The authorities are suspicious of a new insurance policy taken out by Fred’s brother, 'Honest' Pete, on all 1,287 Betfred shops. A source known as Lucky Argyle has heard rumours that they all are going to explode during the hostage release, and the police will spend months sifting through rubble, and by the time they figure out what went wrong, Fred and Pete be sitting on a beach, earning twenty percent. The classic Die Hard plan.

As usual, Sir Keir Starmer just wanted all the sausages to be released, unburnt.

Image credit: perchance.org