The stretch of HS2 from Birmingham to Manchester may not stretch that far

The stretch of HS2 from Birmingham to Manchester is in doubt today as the government refuses to stretch to a confirmation that it will stretch as far as Manchester.

Opposition figures criticised the government for stretching the truth when they announced last year that it would stretch all the way and not be cut back.

"It's stretching credulity to think that in these hard times, at a stretch, they aren't considering cuts" said a spokesman.

We can confirm that in the creation of this article we did not use a stretched limo, but we did stretch a point until it had to be carried off on a stretcher.

Image: whitebeard Photos | FreeImages

Manchester launches takeover bid for Birmingham

Manchester City Council has launched a takeover bid for ‘bankrupt’ Birmingham City Council. Describing the terms as “generous”, the North Western city has offered to keep some parts of its competitor open, saving up to 30 jobs.

'As Britain’s second city, not to mention first city for football, we are ready to lend a helping hand to our poorer and less successful cousins in the Midlands,' smirked a Manchester local government worker, speaking on condition of anonymity and that we buy her another pint. 'We’d be delighted to welcome them in to our fold under the new brand name of South East Stockport.'

'Fucking Mancs,' responded someone at a bus stop near Birmingham Town Hall, that we’ll take as a spokesperson for the Council. 'As Britain’s real second city, we’re ready to offer our raised finger to our swaggering cousins in that Oasis-ridden dump on the road to Blackpool. Our bin men could batter them any day. Don’t mention the football.'

Meanwhile, council employees and citizens of the Midlands metropolis congregated in the city centre, some appealing for government aid, some for a donation from Ozzy Osbourne, and others praying for the ghost of Trevor Francis to descend and save them. However, the administrators in Whitehall have yet to take any action, beyond commenting that they were "already bored of this ghastly provincial business”.

Photo by Orry Verducci on Unsplash

Sunak’s new policy: Levelling Down

After discovering that it might take more than a refurbished leisure centre and some new library books to bring the North up to the same levels of affluence as the South, Rishi Sunak has decided to give up on the project and impoverish the South instead.

‘We thought “the North” was just Birmingham’, explained a Conservative Party spokesman. ‘Turns out it’s fucking massive. It would cost hundreds of billions to do a decent job and that money is already earmarked for, well, us. So the new plan is to improve equality by Levelling Down’.

Sunderland has been chosen as the benchmark city. Every town which is poorer than Sunderland will be literally levelled and every town or city with average wealth levels higher than Sunderland will be gradually impoverished through the usual Government policies until the whole country achieves uniformity.

‘Except the Home Counties, obviously’ said the spokesman. ‘And parts of London. The good bits.’

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