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Offensive content removed from Roald Dahl, leaving 400 blank pages



After a major rehaul to update the author’s work to match modern sensibilities, his publishers were surprised to find that they had erased his entire catalogue. Confessed one editor: ‘Once we trimmed out all the references to fat, ugly and annoying characters, we were left with ‘they lived happily ever after’ and a doodle of peach.’


Complained an avid fan: ‘Who wants to read ‘Charlie and the Vegan Allotment’, ‘The moderately impressive, non-gender specific fox’ or ‘Danny, just another symbol of the patriarchy’? Some art is meant to be provocative; if I wanted something bland and inoffensive I’d have commissioned a nativity play starring James Corden.’


Dahl’s rewritten texts will feature perfectly lovely people being perfectly lovely to each other – where the only villain is Jordan Peterson. The editor said: ‘The title of ‘The Twits’ was already toned down from ‘The ClusterF$ckers’ – or the ‘Brexiteers’ for short.’



First published 20 Feb 2023


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Andrew Tate to be named Poet Laureate


Andrew Tate, better known for losing fights and resembling a startled sperm, has attracted attention from the literary community after filming himself driving a fast car and boasting about never reading books.


Britain’s current Poet Laureate, Simon Armitage, has been asked to consider stepping down when it became known that Armitage doesn’t own a supercar or any hoes (we understand this is slang for ‘ladies of a certain disposition’).


‘It’s obvious when you think about it’, a spokesman said. ‘Wealth equals success equals intelligence. Andrew Tate is richer than most of us, ergo he is cleverer than most of us’.


NewsBiscuit isn’t really sure what ‘ergo’ means, but we suspect there must be a flaw in the logic somewhere, we just can’t put our finger on it.


image from pixabay

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