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The book world was rocked to its very foundations today as a new study claimed avuncular Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, and Middle Earth’s uber-wizard Gandalf, are in fact one and the same person, posing the prickly question - wouldn’t just one of them been perfectly adequate to symbolise the ultimate force for good against evil in both series of the blockbusting sagas?


The study comes following an exhaustive three-year examination of all known texts of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.


Professor Rachel Saunders who led the project told journalists: ‘Dumbledore and Gandalf are the same person. Of that there is no doubt in my mind whatsoever. The facts are there. Both have long hair and big bushy beards. Both dress in robes, and quite crucially in the team’s view, both wear funny hats. I mean come on. Have you ever seen them together in the same room? Well exactly, there you are then.’


JRR Tolkien was unavailable for comment but sources close to Harry Potter author, JK Rowling, said that the claim as "pure and unadulterated rubbish. This is a preposterous suggestion. Dumbledore is the Headmaster of a fictional witchcraft and wizarding school, whereas everyone knows Gandalf is the lead singer of The Boomtown Rats.’




Following insatiable public demand Waterstones booksellers have confirmed they will be opening their stores at Midnight so eager readers can get their hands on the Sue Gray report as soon as it’s published


‘We’re definitely going. My nine year old is absolutely Sue Gray mad’ explained Ipswich mother of two Louise Phillips, ‘He just loves government inquiries. He practically knows The Levenson Report off by heart and he’s always dressing up as his favourite characters’


‘I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s come down to breakfast in his favourite blonde wig, opened up a bottle of Barolo and sat around babbling for 25 minutes before jumping up and saying “I’m sorry I thought this was a work meeting” and leaving the room’


‘The only downside is that he’s become a bit of a self entitled, randy prick with no moral compass or empathy who must be stopped at any cost, but I’m sure it’s just a phase he’s going through’


A spokeswoman for Waterstones confirmed the event earlier today. ‘We’re so excited. We had great success with previous midnight openings for the last Harry Potter and the Collected Speeches of Anne Widdecombe so we thought why not do it again?’


‘They’ll be face painting for the kiddies, Chateuneuf-du-Pape for the grown ups and we’re even selling a special limited edition that comes in its own presentation fridge with a 2kg wheel of Stilton’


‘We had hoped to have some of the stars of the report down for the opening as well. We tried inviting Rishi Sunak but for some reason no-one could track him down anywhere.’


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