Deported migrant got more than £500

Border Force officials are pleased to see the back of an asylum seeker finally deported to Ethiopia today.

The press are reporting that the man was paid £500 so that he wouldn't make a fuss. Insiders say that he got a lot more than £500.

Our source said, 'That man was an ace negotiator. He was relentless. He asked for, and received, all kinds of amazing stuff.

'He got a signed photograph of Sir Mark Rowley, head of the Met Police, so that he could show his family who had lost out big time at hide and seek. He had to promise that he wouldn't share it with the press or post it on social media. He seemed very trustworthy, so our negotiators said yes. He also got Keir Starmer's wife's recipe for Lemon Cheesecake, the freedom of Epping, twelve sticks of seaside rock from Clacton, some nice clothes, and Sushi for the flight home.

'On the plus side, he has promised not to tell everyone in Ethiopia about the five hundred quid and the other goodies. So hopefully that will encourage Ethiopians to stay at home and not to take a trip to the UK.

image from pixabay

GB News to live stream small boat crossings

So-called news channel GB News is to live stream the arrival of asylum seekers at Dover in small boats. This second news channel, provisionally titled The English Channel, will broadcast live 24/7 and will supply highlights to the news channel.

Refugee charities have agreed to allow cameras on their boats, to show the appalling conditions in which asylum seekers cross. 'It was a difficult call,' said the charities' spokesman. 'We know that Reform has a different agenda, but we liked the irony of using their money to help the asylum seekers.'

GB News is excited by its new channel. 'Our viewers will be able to get angry whenever they want. Round the clock coverage of small boats arriving will be like manna from heaven. This should see off Fox News and the other weirdo channels.'

Border Force are less pleased. 'Our staff will be on telly, doing their jobs, but without an artists contract. No make up. No intimacy coordinator. No chow truck. No pay. Worst of all - not even a sniff at an Equity card.

To add insult to injury, another TV company plans to film a documentary about the live streaming. 'It'll be mayhem,' said our source. 'We are considering making our own documentary about them, to set the record straight and counterbalance any less than impartial journalism.'

'Then we can get ourselves Equity cards and ensure that we get a fair share of broadcast fees. And we're planning to have a TV tie in book out for Christmas too.

'Ker-ching!'

image from google gemini

Border Force hoodwinked by Trojan Cod

Border security officers have been duped by illegal migrants on the Kent coast hiding inside a giant wooden fish.

Britain’s treasured perimeter suffered a breach yesterday when dozens of illegal migrants surged through Kent under cover of darkness after being warmly welcomed onto land inside a big fat wooden chippy fish.

Border Force Operative, Charlie Harris explained: “We picked up a signal on radar that a huge craft was floating on the surface of the Channel towards Kent, but after investigation it was dismissed a just massive Cod having a nosey above water. Nothing unusual there.

“Then when it beached we was all ‘Crikey! It’s a gift from the French, or Neptune, or it’s broken free from Elton John’s place’, something like that. So we winched it up onto dry land and left it there. Marvellous specimen it was, an Arcto-Norwegian variety, if I’m not mistaken. There were more than a few selfies taken, I can tell you.

“In the morning it looked like it had been to a fishmonger lumberjack, it was split wide open. We didn’t know what to do. A few of us went inside in amongst the food wrappers and nappies and pretended we was Jonah. Oh, and we strapped Phil Snodd to the side like Captain Ahab in Moby Dick and did a TikTok, he was not happy about that.

“Then someone said there was multiple sightings of illegals in the area carrying oars and we put two and two together. I should have guessed the fish was dodgy as the Arcto-Norwegian Cod prefers the much colder North Atlantic waters and rarely travels this far south.

“It’s taught us at Border Force a mighty lesson, in the future if we detect an enormous wooden fish floating our way, before we drag it ashore we'll definitely check to see if anyone's riding on its back.”

https://pixabay.com/photos/dover-limestone-cliffs-coast-4657660/

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