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New statute celebrating Brexit to be commissioned


Jacob Rees-Mogg todays announces that to celebrate the successes the UK is experiencing due to Brexit a new statue is to be commissioned.


Plans are underway to get the UKs leading artists to put together their proposals - provisionally the work will be entitled “We have fun, but we get things (Brexit) done” - and is to feature a smiling Boris Johnson raising a drink to the nation'.


'It'll be very similar to some of the images we have recently seen in Sue Gray’s fictional historical romp', continued Rees Mogg.


The statue will include a hat made entirely of bank notes, to symbolis the £350 million a week savings that the British people are able to enjoy as a result of Brexit. In addition there will be a 'Brexit flap' in the rear of his trousers so that his bare backside can be displayed at Europe on the hour, every hour, like a mooning cuckoo clock.


First published 19 June 2022



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PM Considering Giving Every Household in the UK one billion pounds



In what is being seen as an increasingly desperate measure to hang on to his job, Number 10 insiders have revealed that the Prime Minister is considering giving every household in the UK a one-off payment of one billion pounds to help combat rising living costs.


The unnamed source said that: "Nothing is off the table in terms of how Machiavellian Boris will be if it means saving his own skin"


And whilst opposition parties and think tanks have questioned the plans, a YouGov poll of 50,000 people has shown that 99.9% of people would be happy for Boris Johnson to remain PM if such a scheme was rolled out.


A spokesman for Keir Starmer told our reporter that Labour would give people two billion pounds.


Author: urbanhermit


image from pixabay


First published 10 June 2022



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Johnson in keeps Dorries out, admits intern



Top prize at a fairground hoop-la stall, Boris Johnson, has survived a parliamentary vote of no confidence due to 211 Conservative MPs believing that keeping a proven liar and law-breaker in power is a much better alternative than risking the slim possibility that less-astute-than-arse-crack-fluff Nadine Dorries could fill the void left by his departure.


In what is being seen as a stroke of Machiavellian genius the PM’s strategy team executed a faultless plan to ensure the raw sausage caterpillar remained leader. Over-privileged number 10 intern, Popson Grygg, explained: “Just as nature abhors a vacuum, so do most tory MPs, and there’s no vacuum more expansive and abhorrent than Nadine Dorries.


“We strategised a plan to unleash the secretary for DCMS before the no-confidence vote to scare the shit out of dissenters, suggesting that should Bojo go, Nadine could take over. The plan was easy: get Nadine fired-up with a bucket of prosecco, let her watch Top Gun 2, then allow her to squeeze a few spots on the PMs arse - she loves that. Then wheel her in front of the camera.


“She was f**king pyroclastic! Claiming: ‘we are at war with Ukraine’, suggesting party donors could withhold funding if Boris wasn’t backed, and tweeting that Jeremy Hunt’s ‘pandemic preparation during six years as health secretary was found wanting and inadequate’.


“Boom! It worked better than we could imagine. Nadine was catastrophically self-defeating. A with a majority of 63, the big dog is still top dog. Actually, to be perfectly honest, the PM didn’t have a lot to with the plan. He just lay still and let Nadine squeeze.”


image from pixabay


First published 8 June 2022


www.newsbiscuit,com


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