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Lord Lebedev identified as third man in flowerpot ring



The Cambridge spy ring, the flowerpot men, has long been considered to have had a third unknown spymaster who had pulled their otherwise obvious strings.


As spy detectives from MI5 have said, 'we knew the flowerpot men were undercover Russian spies all along, with their plummy accents speaking secret code on primetime BBC pretending to be two characters with an affinity for pot and talking rubbish. Obviously this indicated they were aiming at infiltrating the Conservative Party, probably aiming to get the top job. We used GCHQ to analyse their August 20th 1965 broadcast and the supercomputers came up with the following string of words that are clearly codes for the Russians: "flob a dob, flob a dov, lord lebedev, flob a dob, weeeeeeeeeeeeeed". At the time it didn't make sense, but once the Prime Minister fast tracked Lebedev into the House of Lords it became pretty clear. We've got a right dickhead in charge. And Lebedev's the third flowerpot man.'



First published 16 May 2022



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Boris Johnson to renounce ‘human form’


Speaking to a packed room of journalists, the PM said he would run again but only in his natural reptilian shape. Mr. Johnson is not the first flesh-eating, shape-shifting extra-terrestrial to represent the Conservative Party, but he is the first not to defect to UKIP. As a member of the Illuminati, Mr. Johnson argued that he was well placed to promote a cold-blooded agenda and spelt out his intention to use the failed Thames Hub Airport as the ideal location to lay his eggs.



Footage has emerged from 1987 of Mr. Johnson and David Cameron, both Oxford undergraduates at the Bullingdon Club, dislocating their jaw bones and ‘downing’ a dozen live mice. An aide commented ‘His slow metabolism prevents him electioneering in the chilly north. And while he may have a smaller brain than your average mammal, that never stopped any politician before’.


First published 6 May 2022



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BBC will outsource future drama projects to Acton am-dram group


In the wake of another attack by Prime Minister Boris Johnson (you're not dreaming, he still is), the BBC announced a move that will no longer see them paying top stars large salaries.


The corporation is to close its world-famous drama studio later this year, and instead all future programmes will be produced and staged by amateur dramatic society, St Michael’s Strolling Players from Acton.


The first programme slated under the new arrangement will an adaptation of the James Joyce classic, Ulysses, with bus driver Alan Chivers cast in the role of Leopold Bloom. The production is to be broadcast live from Acton Drill Hall to save on costly studio sets and recording facilities.


Daphne Miller, a doctor’s receptionist and the group’s creative director said: ‘Alan’s really not bad at all once he's had a few brandies to settle his nerves. His Sky Masterson, when we did Guys and Dolls last Summer, was two-starred by the The Acton Bugle's arts critic.


'Yes, he can be a little shaky remembering lines, but if we write them on bits of the set I'm sure it’ll be alright on the night.’



First published 2 May 2022



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