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Greased pig outlines his two-pronged wheeze for wriggling free



Loud snorts of conceited laughter were heard through the windows of the cabinet room in Downing Street last night as the Number One greased pig of British politics described how he has managed to squirm out of trouble yet again.


"Everyone thought Bozza was for the jolly old knacker's yard," said the swine, "but just when they thought they had me in their clutches, I've wriggled free and saved my bacon."


To admiring squeals from the rest of his herd, the greased pig continued: "It was really so simple. When we were all caught partying throughout lockdown, with our snouts in the trough, I immediately submitted to an utterly rigorous, no holds barred inquiry by the fearsome Sue Gray.


"Then, just as she was about to publish her report, I phoned up that gullible old sow Cressida Dick at the Met and said: 'please immediately start an utterly rigorous, no holds barred criminal investigation.'


"The result is that the police have put the kibosh on Sue Gray saying anything remotely interesting, for fear that it might compromise a future trial. Then in three months' time, when all the fuss had died down, I'll get Dick to announce that the police have found no grounds to prosecute. And, hey presto! Good old Bozza will have landed on his trotters again, just like he always does.


"Now, who wants to try my patent pig grease? Form an orderly queue and I'll smear it on your bloated hides. You first, Priti. Then you, Nadine."



First published 30 Jan 2022



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Boris Johnson "now a role model for snarky teenagers"



"We had anticipated that our studies would indicate that teenagers mimic the attitudes and standpoints of prominent social media users, reality television 'stars' and the like, so it has been highly unusual to see any political figure rate so highly in this study"


Keith Warsash, a psychologist specialising in behavioural development, has just completed an exhaustive internet study on role model markers amongst teenagers - and has been astonished to find that Boris Johnson is currently one of the key influencers.


Whilst scoring low, and even negative, values for his personal fashion sense, deportment and appearance, the Prime Minister has 'topped the leaderboard' for attitude and behavioural traits.


"We believe he has done so well in these areas through taking the teenage trifecta of 'I never', 'It's not my fault' and 'You're always picking on me' and elevating it to an art form." continued Keith.


"More astounding is that he has managed to maintain this triple defence well into his adult life, giving hope to teenagers everywhere that they too can carry that bubble of imperviousness into their later years, assuming no mantle of responsibility for anything as they go"


Keith has, however, been unable to confirm his findings in discussion with his 15 year old son, Jonah.


"When I spoke to him about this, all he did was mumble something under his breath, roll his eyes and storm off to his bedroom, pausing only to slam the kitchen door."


"Honestly, it was just like watching PM's Question Time" said an exasperated Keith


First published 29 Jan 2022



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Family of 14 evicted from on-line fulfilment centre



A family of 14, including two great-grandparents, have been evicted from a high-tech warehouse in Sunderland.


The warehouse is owned and operated by a well-known on-line retailer who has, amazingly, asked not to be named.  We are able to say, however, that the warehouse is in a prime location.


The retailer said that the family had got in by mailing themselves to the warehouse, pretending to be returned goods.  Once inside, they hacked the stock control system to make certain racks unavailable for use.  They then lived in the racking, unnoticed, hiding behind dusty pallets of unsold Boris Johnson books.   They survived by eating cardboard and returned corn-and-potato based snacks.   For entertainment, they challenged each other to wear a blindfold and work out which was which.


Six members of the family were subsequently hired by the retailer, even though they gave their home address as that of the warehouse.  They worked regular shifts for over a year, and one of them won employee of the month three times.  Despite this, the family was made to leave, and all six employees were sacked.  Two family members escaped the eviction process by despatching themselves to a pick-up locker nearby.


The retailer said that it would not prosecute the family as company policies didn’t directly cover the circumstances.   A spokesman confirmed that IT security would be tightened and company policies updated.


Although there was some damage to copies of ‘Unleashed’ there was no financial loss as they were already unsaleable and worthless.

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