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Exclusive: Micro submarine expedition team embarks on search for Boris Johnson's integrity


In a startling development like something straight from a Jules Verne novel, a team of scientists has entered the bloodstream of Boris Johnson inside a micro submarine, for what many say is a forlorn and doomed mission.


Professor Jorge Schmidt of UCL told reporters: 'Using new technology our team was reduced temporarily to microscopic size and is currently searching inside the PM for even the slightest trace levels of integrity or decency.'


It's understood the scientists were ingested painlessly via Mr Johnson's glass of warm milk, and have seventy-two hours to complete their mission in the high-tech craft.


Professor Schmidt gave this update on progress: 'Unsurprisingly, we have drawn a complete blank thus far. What's more the mission is fraught with danger. Last night things nearly came to a sticky and premature end on no less than twenty occasions.


'The sub was in the region of his testicles when Mr Johnson suddenly indulged in a frenzied and sustained bout of masturbation whilst reading about Winston Churchill. Mercifully, he fell asleep before the team was ejaculated, enabling them to navigate to a safer and considerably less active zone - his conscience.


'Our greatest fear however is if they should mistakenly end up in the vicinity of Mr Johnson's cavernous arsehole. Although, in such circumstances each member has been issued with a quick-acting cyanide tablet.'




First published 8 May 2022


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Boris: My Freedom Bus Pass will solve housing crisis too


Boris Johnson has confirmed that the Freedom Bus Pass in London will be used to solve the housing crisis in Britain overnight.


'Introduced by me when I was London Mayor, along with gold-paved streets and £350 million a week rebates from the EU, the Freedom Bus Pass has already provided millions of over-60s in London with a warm and comfortable way to pass their remaining years', trumpeted Johnson. 'This has allowed people like Elsie, who I had the pleasure of hearing about this morning, to avoid the indignity and embarrassment of freezing to death in their own homes due to huge energy price hikes which I won't do anything about.


'But now, I'm going a step further. All those that have been priced out of being a homeowner in the London housing market will now be entitled to a Freedom Bus Pass too, allowing them to make that first important step onto the property ladder....or at least a step on to the Number 186 bus (off peak only).


'From tomorrow, millions will be able to make their housing dreams a reality, as they unpack their worldly possessions on a urine-stained bus back seat whilst their own personal driver takes them around their new 'clockwise North Circular' route...er, sorry, I mean home... before returning to depot for his statutory 20 minute rest break'


Johnson is expected to announce further details of significant investment in new housing stock - thought to include 35 Routemaster style double decker buses, along with a few of the longer single storey bendy buses for those who prefer bungalow style accommodation.


Johnson himself is expected to try out the new bus-homes himself, to try and hide from any further car-crash interviews. www.newsbiscuit.com


First published 4 May 2022


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Decency and Credibility announce total split from Johnson's administration



In a joint statement released earlier this afternoon, the virtues Decency and Credibility have confirmed they have cut all ties with the current government and are taking legal steps to ensure the split remains permanent, or until there is a change of administration.


Credibility said: 'The writing has been on the wall for some time now, and in all honesty I knew when Boris Johnson became Prime Minister I was going to be badly compromised. The man has no scruples whatsoever and will happily lie, cheat, misdirect and do whatever else he likes when it comes to furthering his own ambitions. He is the perfect definition a one-man absolute shitehouse.'


And a clearly shaken Decency told reporters: 'To think the rest of the country toed the line, on Johnson's po-faced say so, with many thousands unable to even gather to see relatives and loved ones dying alone is sickening. But what were he and his chums doing all along? Partying the night away. Fuck the whole bloody lot of them.'


It's understood that upon hearing the news of the split, Integrity also immediately disassociated itself with Johnson and his cabinet.


Meanwhile, a government spokesman said, 'Whereas it is regrettable virtues are seeing fit to take this approach, nevertheless we have had offers from Greed, Contempt and Arrogance, all of which have been doing a fine job behind the scenes in recent times. They are more than happy to step in to fill the void on a more permanent basis.



First published 15 April 2022


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