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Bidding war erupts for Boris Johnson’s memoirs to be kept under wraps


A bidding war between publishers, media companies and Tory donors to keep Boris Johnson’s memoirs under wraps has begun, and the asking price is sky rocketing.

Boris has already drafted seven volumes of the series, provisionally titled The Truth Never Lies, during quiet moments at Number 10. He is reported to have ghost writers working towards a full twenty volume box set. The memoirs will reveal Boris’s innermost thoughts, if any, during a series of astonishing scandals and crises that rocked the nation. Aides say that the memoirs will reveal the absolute, real and properly evidenced truth about everything - without embellishment, self-aggrandisement, or accuracy.

The involvement of US based streaming services has pushed up the price for the rights. One company said that audiences for a dramatisation could outstrip those for The Crown and quipped that the series could be called The Clown. Channel 4 has announced that it is withdrawing from the race, noting, ironically, that they can’t even afford to find out how they got shafted.

At this stage, it seems likely that a cabal of Tory donors will outbid all of the publishing houses and media companies. They have tabled an eight figure bid (ten figures if you include the pence), reasoning that this is a small price to pay to avoid a long series of painful revelations as each new volume is published. One said that although it was tempting to use the money to just bribe the voters, it was clearly more effective to buy the rights, bury the memoirs forever, and stop the whole idiotic charade from coming to light.



First published 8 July 2022



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Dear Aunty Newsbiscuit


Dear Aunty NewsBiscuit,


I am a prime minister of what was once a globally respected nation (although I hope you'll understand when I say I'd rather remain anonymous for now). We were perceived as the cradle of democracy and a shining beacon of truth and justice everywhere.


But the thing is, I'm now rather fed up with being seen as a compulsive liar, a risible moron and a bumbling buffoon by virtually everyone on the planet. Many are suggesting that under my tenure, the country's reputation has been absolutely trashed into the dirt. Indeed it is my understanding that even amoeba actually hold this somewhat low opinion of me too.


But, you know, it gets a chap down when he's trying his level best to do right by the country. It's as if I am not appreciated at all. So okay, chaps tell me stuff, but what with one thing and another, pressures of not being found out and so on, I go and forget what it was they told me. I mean I'm only human. Selective memory recall affects most from time to time, although I would concede fewer every single time.


But anyway, my question is this. Do you think it might help were I to smarten myself up a bit, get a new haircut, stop being a feckless oaf and perhaps begin to tell the truth once in a while?


Regards Horace Jobson


Ha Ha! (with such a clever alias you'll never know who I am)


First published 6 July 2022



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Missing Cryptoqueen may have changed her appearance to be like Carrie Symonds



Missing since 2017, around the time that Boris Johnson was made Foreign Secretary in the hope that Theresa May could get him as far away from parliament as practically possible, the FBI has taken a particular interest in his travels in the former Soviet Union and in particular how the disappearance of Ruja Ignatova happened to coincide with the appearance of yet another new mistress in the life of an inherently fallible politician.


Once upon a time, lipstick on your collar might have told a tale on you, but modern forensic science is able to not only tell which lipstick was on your dipstick, but tell from the lip prints who was wearing it.


NewsBiscuit is not at liberty to say more at this time, but we remind our readers that softly softly catchee monkey, and the chances of getting the fat bastard locked up in the short term may be better if the FBI handle it rather than rely on House of Commons procedures.



*UPDATE*


At the same moment our reporter posted this, NewsBiscuit received an email from a child who claims to be the lovechild of Boris Johnson and Ruja Ignatova, and on reading the news that Ruja Ignatova changed her appearance to look more like Carrie Symonds, wants to know if there's any chance of being a special case of a child getting fed under the current administration.


First published 3 July 2022



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