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Fireman Sam has confirmed that he will not be resigning from the Pontypandy Fire Service, despite being charged with multiple counts of arson and just over 40% of his colleagues saying they'd be better off without him.


The senior firefighter has been dogged by controversy in recent months after it emerged he had deliberately started a number of blazes at the same time he was appearing in public information films promoting fire safety to the community. A recent vote among other firefighters saw almost half of them say he should resign, a result his few remaining allies described as "a convincing victory".


"While I accept and am humbled by the arson charges I truly believed that pouring petrol over Bella's Cafe and setting it alight was within the rules at the time. I now take full responsibility, have learned a valuable lesson and would like to move on, quickly." said Sam, who had initially claimed that he did not know about any fires, despite having been in charge of putting them out.


When video subsequently emerged showing Sam attending the fires he admitted he did know about them but had only been there to help fight them. Text messages were then discovered showing that he discussed starting the fire, at which point he conceded that he may have set the Cafe on fire a little bit, but that he thought it was OK to do so.


"Look, I understand that some people are upset about this, but focusing incessantly on the past isn't going to help anybody. It's time to move on and concentrate on what matters most to the public today. Like the fact that the local shop is currently on fire." said Sam, tucking a box of matches back into his pocket.



First published 23 June 2022




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An NHS spokesman admitted today that treatment to remove an unsightly and embarrassing growth in Downing Street had been unsuccessful.


"This swelling is an unusual condition. It shares characteristics with a useless organ with no discernable purpose, such as an appendix, as well as a tumour which blocks and obstructs the proper function of all other tissues. In spite of the many problems associated with it, the patient, a Mr. U. Kaye, does not experience direct discomfort. Indeed, the growth itself appears to be completely devoid of all feeling.


"Overall, the body will continue to experience many adverse symptoms until the useless lump of gristle is removed. These include headaches, raging inflation, unsteadiness of economy, and an exaggerated allergic reaction to all foreign bodies.


"The primary discomfort for the patient stems from the location of the tumour. Unfortunately it is likely to remain a complete pain in the arse for the foreseeable future."



First published 21 June 2022



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Jacob Rees-Mogg todays announces that to celebrate the successes the UK is experiencing due to Brexit a new statue is to be commissioned.


Plans are underway to get the UKs leading artists to put together their proposals - provisionally the work will be entitled “We have fun, but we get things (Brexit) done” - and is to feature a smiling Boris Johnson raising a drink to the nation'.


'It'll be very similar to some of the images we have recently seen in Sue Gray’s fictional historical romp', continued Rees Mogg.


The statue will include a hat made entirely of bank notes, to symbolis the £350 million a week savings that the British people are able to enjoy as a result of Brexit. In addition there will be a 'Brexit flap' in the rear of his trousers so that his bare backside can be displayed at Europe on the hour, every hour, like a mooning cuckoo clock.


First published 19 June 2022



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