Boris 'Would be mad to seek psychological help'

While many Prime Ministers would be reeling after losing two by-elections, a party chair and a packet of cheese strings on the same day, Boris Johnson was reported to be upbeat, if a little disappointed to have lost the cheese strings. 'Boris likes his cheese,' explained an aide.

The suggestion he might need psychological evaluation was poo-poo'd. 'You'd have to be mad to see a shrink,' said one supporter, while another suggested that the Prime Minister had 'put the loop in "fruit loop", or was it the fruit? Whatever.'

'He's definitely put the "sh!t" in "sh!t for brains",' said another supporter, who didn't want to be named (but sits next to Boris in PMQs, holds the purse strings and covets his job).

Boris decides that one a day is enough

With 100 days left to use paper £50 notes, Boris Johnson has decided the best way to wean himself off burning them in front of homeless people by restricting himself to one a day. "It will be tough", the PM admitted, "but I have to prove to myself that I can do it by the time it's no longer possible."

When asked how much this habit had been costing he added "It hasn't been cheap, and it's why I wanted Carrie to get the £100K job. We've known that paper money was on its way out for a long time and her £100K a year would have allowed us to invite the homeless to Downing Street for a money burning party."

Image: SteveBulley | Pixabay

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