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Heavyweight boxer Steve McAdams, currently ranked No 247 in the world, announced today that he “self-identifies as a lightweight” and will compete in that division from now on.


It’s thought he may have been inspired by the story of Lia (formerly Liam) Thomas, who went overnight from being a mediocre male swimmer to a female one who won every race by a huge margin.


]I just feel that lightweight expresses who I am deep down inside,” explained McAdams, adding that it definitely wasn’t a cheap ploy to give himself an unfair advantage.'


However, the move has attracted criticism from some in the sport.


'It’s ridiculous, said genuine lightweight boxer Mike Scanlan. 'The guy’s about twice the size of me. How can he possibly fight as a lightweight - are we supposed to just ignore what the scales say?” However, his comments were dismissed as “sizephobic” by some overgrown student activist the editor of the Guardian has on speed dial.'


In other news, racehorse owner Sir Timothy Benson announced that one of his less successful horses “self identifies as human” and will race against humans from now on.


'Though obviously it’ll have to be on grass, not concrete, since it’s really a horse.'




After having gone toe to toe and accountant to accountant with Floyd Mayweather, the Youtuber is set to box the entire population of the planet, as we all take turns at trying to wipe the smile off his stupid face. With ‘$1 a pop’, Paul is set to raise $7.9bn – which will help fund his goal of buying a proper surname.


The logistics of the fight will be difficult, as it will involve a queue of fighters hundreds of thousands of miles long and an oversubscribed parking facility. Each round will last months, and fans are advised to bring a year’s supply of popcorn.


Paul is expected to go the distance, but his face is not. Despite being reduced to a bloody neck stump, many of his 15 million followers feel this will improve his Vlogging output. Infamous for mocking suicide victims, Paul has no shortage of opponents. Said one: ‘I’m not a violent person, but he’s got such a punchable face. It would be great to a rematch of the rematch; he’s also got such a kickable scrotum.’

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