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Queen Elizabeth II shocked to find anybody in family has a brain



Celebrity quiz champion and The Chase star Anne Hegerty is said to be shocked after discovering she is a distant relative of Queen Elizabeth II. However, the Queen was even more startled than Hegerty to discover that someone connected to the Royal family could have a brain.

Hegerty came across the unlikely Royal connection during preliminary investigations by researchers for ITV's "DNA Journey.' The quiz genius found out she is the 19th cousin of Queen Elizabeth II. It had previously been acknowledged by cognitive psychologists that constant inbreeding and ill-judged spouse selection had led to an intelligence shortfall amongst Royal offspring.


Fortunately, Hegerty is such a distant relative of the Queen that experts think she may have been protected from inheriting the notorious Royal dimwittery. Luckily, she only suffers from Autism and Asperger's syndrome.


Hegerty was said to be underwhelmed by the Royal connection but, on the bright side, said at least it meant she was also related to Eastenders actor Danny Dyer which was a 'bit of a plus'.


Known as The Governess for her school mistress looks, aloof attitude, acid tongue, and ruthless dismissal of underlings, the Queen celebrates her 95th birthday later this month.




First published 6 April 2022


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Scientific brain break-through



Scientists have revealed the first wiring diagram for the whole brain of a fruit fly. This promises to revolutionise the field of neuroscience and pave the way for unprecedented insight into how the brain produces behaviour,


More importantly it will allow a timely input into the election of the next Tory leader. The leader of this breakthrough – Professor Branestawm – explained:-


“It has of course been scientifically proved that the previous 5 Conservative Party leaders could only muster between all of them less than the brain of a single gnat. However the challenge at the moment is that the combined brainpower of the current 4 candidates is less than that of an amoeba – and a particularly thick – sorry, intellectually challenged - one at that."


There have been some expressions of interest from the fruit fly community in standing as a potential candidate. When it was pointed out that fruit flies only have a life span of 40 – 50 days, a fruit fly spokesfly pointed out the Liz Truss precedent.


Image: Photo by Milad Fakurian on Unsplash


University Challenge superfan yet to get one correct answer



Brian Smethurst, from Bognor Regis, who has been watching University Challenge since its first episode in 1962, admitted today he has still to answer even one single question correctly. Yet this hasn't dampened his enthusiasm for the show.


He said: 'I once thought I'd actually cracked in 1981, when I said Caravaggio was an Italian motor scooter... but turned out it was an espresso machine.'


Brian's wife Delia commented: 'Bless him. He loves it and even has a tattoo of original question master, Bamber Gascoigne, on his left buttock. He's vowed to have one of Amol Rajan on the other side should he finally succeed.'


Meanwhile Brian's quest goes on, although Delia isn't holding out much hope for her hapless husband. 'I can't see him ever doing it, because so far he's spent over twenty thousand pounds entering those competitions on ITV and he's yet to get even one of those answers right.'


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