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Scientists discover that brain cells die in Alzheimer’s disease 'because they want to'

Writer: Jeremynh
Jeremynh
Sep 24


'For years, we’d been trying to discover why brain cells die off in Alzheimer’s disease,' a leading scientist from the UK's Dementia Research Institute told reporters yesterday.


'But in a way, the answer had been staring us right in the face.


'Just think about what you've all done! You have made your poor brain cells sit through thousands of episodes of breakfast TV featuring Holly, Phil and Roland Rat.


'You have subjected them to Kylie Minogue and Rick Astley, and the speeches of every self-regarding, prating politician from Reginald Maudling and Edward Heath to Angela Rayner.


'Meanwhile, they have gone through years of witnessing the moronic antics of Coleen Rooney, Jeremy Beadle, Boris Johnson and Emu without rebelling and turning you loopy.


'And every morning, you have woken up and started force-feeding them a heart-breaking diet of news stories about killer floods, fires, famines, wars, earthquakes, and golden-haired children going missing.


'Is it any wonder that, after a nearly of lifetime of constant exposure to all this toxic bilge, they simply decided – one after another – to end their pitiful lives?


'What we're saying is: if you don't want your brain cells to desert you, stop showing them the dismal levels to which human existence has sunk in 21st century Britain.



First published 24 Sep 2023


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Firms to use brain data surveillance to monitor workers

Writer: deskpilot
deskpilot
Jun 9


Companies are showing increasing interest in using brain-monitoring technology (‘neurotech’) to keep track of what their workers are up to.


Trials at a French-owned TotalPrix discount store have already proved the value of the technology, by electrocuting and grassing up staff,


Retail assistants on minimum wage wore a special beanie hat that monitored their brain waves. While the staff were stacking shelves, talking to customers or working at the checkout, there was no discernible brain activity. However, brain activity ‘lit up’ when staff nipped outside for a vape or a quick shag, when they played on-line gambling games, and when they were nicking stuff.


The store manager was impressed. He said that the store didn’t hire people to think and that the neurotech gizmos clearly showed that when staff are thinking, they are up to no good.


The staff, however, proved resourceful in undermining management’s attempts to watch their every move. One staff member sold his £60,000 neuro-beanie to a customer for a pound (everything’s a pound) and another dodged the surveillance by putting the hat on his dog. This staff member was subsequently fired, as the dog had, apparently, been thinking bad things.


Future iterations of the technology may be able to deliver larger, more painful electric shocks if independent thought is detected and fatal ones if staff members appear to be unionising.




First published 9 Jun 2023


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Teachers’ Union issues stern warning over 'Brainmaxxing' trend

Writer: johnnyotter
johnnyotter
Jun 4

Teachers' Unions have issued a new report concerning the latest trend amongst teenage boys. Said to be prompted by online 'influencers' such as 'SockRat' and 'Domsky', vulnerable young men are adopting extreme and alarming practices to improve or 'Maxx' their own brains.


Belinda Truscott, Chair of the 'Committee for Research into why Teenage Boys are Such Unmitigated Twats', summarised the reports findings:


'Marginalised young men are taking unusual steps to make themselves more appealing to the opposite sex. This can include reading at length, from actual books - the ones made out of paper. In extreme cases we have come across boys as young as thirteen in possession of poetry. We are greatly concerned about the effects this might have on their ability to relate normally to football'.


One young man we spoke to said he felt under increasing pressure to 'Y'know, like, actually know stuff, cos you don't want your mates to think you're fick, innit bruv'. Another, extreme victim of the Brainmaxxing trend said 'I simply despise the less erudite. I'm here. I'm sesquipedalian. Get used to it'.


Author: johnnyotter

Image: WixAI

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