Woman on verge of mental breakdown after laddering tights again

Local woman must restrain herself from throwing her faeces around and beating her chest like an enraged baboon as she ladders yet another pair of hosiery.

The area woman, who shall remain nameless, was hoping that this pair of tights would have the decorum to prevent itself from unravelling at the slightest touch, but alas. ‘I spent £10 on these things,’ the vexed office worker tells us. ‘They were brand new. You’d think they’d be able to withstand being hoisted over my crotch, but no. Instead, they disintegrated in the sunlight like they’d been enshrined in an ancient Egyptian tomb for thousands of years.’

The woman is currently walking around her place of work with the gusset slung lower than Travis Scott’s jeans for fear that pulling them up will unravel them completely and somehow rip a hole in the ozone layer.

‘Who makes these things, the spider from Charlotte’s web?’ she laments, the ladder widening as she exhales.

Stockings Tights Leg - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

NewsBiscuit Home

Mortgage holders urged to drink 150 pints of beer per day to break even

Disappointing children’s action figure Rishi Sunak has urged homeowners to work harder on their drinking in order to overcome rising mortgages.

‘Look, I realise most people are paying an extra £500 per month, and that’s apparently challenging for many of you’, he told reporters. ‘That’s why we’ve reduced the price of a pint of beer by 11p. A mere 151 pints a day is the break-even point. Obviously it would be better if you just bought the house outright, but if you will insist on using a mortgage you can now offset some or all of the additional expense with cheap beer’.

Critics have pointed out that beer duty hasn’t fallen, it’s stayed the same – in pubs – while rising 10.1% on cans and bottles from off-licences.

‘Ah’, said Sunak, ‘I’m glad you spotted that. Inflation means that a price freeze is the same as a price cut. Glad we cleared that up. I want to get people back into pubs – don’t ask me why, I assume Infosys has just bought a few thousand – so I’m making them more competitive’.

If the beer thing proves popular with voters Sunak has promised to take a look at bread and circuses.

Electric cars - Technical stuff you need to be aware of