Local woman must restrain herself from throwing her faeces around and beating her chest like an enraged baboon as she ladders yet another pair of hosiery.
The area woman, who shall remain nameless, was hoping that this pair of tights would have the decorum to prevent itself from unravelling at the slightest touch, but alas. ‘I spent £10 on these things,’ the vexed office worker tells us. ‘They were brand new. You’d think they’d be able to withstand being hoisted over my crotch, but no. Instead, they disintegrated in the sunlight like they’d been enshrined in an ancient Egyptian tomb for thousands of years.’
The woman is currently walking around her place of work with the gusset slung lower than Travis Scott’s jeans for fear that pulling them up will unravel them completely and somehow rip a hole in the ozone layer.
‘Who makes these things, the spider from Charlotte’s web?’ she laments, the ladder widening as she exhales.