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‘Monkeypox a Brexit dividend’ insists Rees-Mogg



Brexit minister Jacob Rees-Mogg has welcomed the outbreak of monkeypox here in the UK saying it is clearly a Brexit dividend and should be seen as a triumph and not something to be concerned about.


‘The joy of having monkeypox is that you need to isolate for up to 21 days….which means the chances of contracting Covid are massively reduced. It's a win-win situation for all Brexit loving Brits. The spread of monkeypox would not have happened had we still been in the EU and we would not have been able to benefit from it as we are today’ said the Somerset MP. 'It also means there is another huge demand for expensive PPE….and we all know what that means.'


'The risk of infection is not great at the moment but with the NHS struggling to meet demand for even the most routine of appointments it is sure to explode soon', continued Rees-Mogg. 'Infections are highest amongst sexually active people like sex workers, drug users, promiscuous sex addicts, multiple sex partners, swingers and Tory MPs….so most of you will be fine for now.'


'But that is about to change. As Minister for Brexit Opportunities I can see the potential for massive potenital for anybody with the right connections', continued Rees-Mogg. 'Anybody needing PPE should contact one of our providers…..like one of the off-shore companies I manage or trade shares in.'


'Would you like my cousins phone number....tell him Jake sent you'.


First published 24 May 2022



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P&O ‘taking back control’ is a Brexit dividend insists government


The sacking of over 800 workers by P&O shows that Brexit is now working for UK employees said a government spokesman .


He told reporters: 'If we had still been part of the EU the Dubai owners would not have been able to lay off hundreds of UK workers overnight and replace them with cheap agency staff from overseas.


He went on to add: 'Being free to sack UK workers at a moments notice should be seen as a Brexit dividend by P&O employees who now find themselves able to explore alternative avenues of employment that they not otherwise have considered…..or thrown on the scrap heap as some people might see it.'


Sources close to the Minister have criticised distraught P&O crew members as being doom-merchants and opportunity deniers.


Tory ministers have criticised Unions for getting involved in the dispute saying it was a return to the 1970’s when all union officials ever did was stick up for the rights and welfare of UK workers.


‘We do not want a return to those dark days when union members immediately turned to their Unions for help and protection from employers. Brexit has freed us from harmful things like employees rights, health and safety regulations and the right to protest.'


When asked what happened to the millions of pounds of British taxpayers money received by the Dubai based company during lockdown does not help the situation the spokesman commented.


'After all the necessary checks and balances it was clear to everybody that P&O was not a viable company…. which is why we gave it £150m to help them with the sacking of the crew. But without Brexit that sort of thing would not have been allowed to happen. It’s ‘taking back control’….aftervall, it’s what UK workers voted for.



First published 19 Mar 2022



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Supermarkets to employ a million wine rebottlers



A government plan to trick the nation into believing it has cut the price of wine by requiring wine floggers to sell it by the pint (568ml) instead of 750ml bottles means that providing supermarkets can find the million workers it will take to rebottle the acres of warehouse space used for a single day’s UK wine consumption, shopping bills could reduce by 2.5%.


Reaction to the plan has been mixed, as supermarkets say it will be difficult to find enough workers to do the rebottling unless they offer higher pay than teachers and nurses get, to encourage them to change jobs, but that will mean they would need to charge more for wine.


Alcoholics Anonymous have praised the plan, saying that smaller bottles of wine will reduce consumption, but doctors think their patients will merely buy two pints of wine to make up for the shortfall and end up drinking more. “In any case”, one doctor said, “consumption, or tuberculosis as we call it now, has already been greatly reduced thanks to antibiotics.”


A pensioner who was around before Britain changed to metric measurements told Newsbiscuit “It’s all bollocks, because hardly anyone drank wine before we joined the EU and the few that did brought it back from France on those cheap day trips we used to have, so it only ever came in 750ml bottles”.






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