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Airline boss tells UK holidaymakers to arrive for flight home before flight out has left


British holidaymakers should arrive at their European departure airports at least a month before leaving the UK for a 2 week holiday. That's due to lengthy queues caused by new border checks.


The long delays getting through passport control have caused some passengers to miss return or connecting flights. Travellers are being advised to use time travel devices such as Star Trek's The Guardian of Forever, or The Atavachron, enable them to prepare for their return long before they depart these shores.


Travel writer for 'The Time Lord' newspaper, Dr Who, suggests people should consider investing in a Time And Relative Dimension In Space device similar to his, although even he has experienced difficulties getting supplies of Artron Energy, Mercury and Zeiton 7 due to the closure of the Strait of Hormuz


Airports said queues were worsening under the Entry Exit System which requires travellers to register fingerprints, give a DNA sample and and fill in a twenty page "How are we doing?" questionnaire.


A Reform party spokesperson said, 'It's all going very well' and suggested that if people were really serious about returning to their home, they should simply consider taking a small boat from Calais, or apply for dual citizenship like Nigel Farage's children.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

UK border delays as visitors complete essays



Heathrow Airport yesterday declared a major incident at the UK Border following the Home Office confirming that migrants would require A-Level standards of English.


At hastily installed booths for a pilot study, visitors were being given two hours to answer questions on Othello to receive a stamp in their passport and be granted entry to the country. Despite being their native tongue, one holidaymaker from the United States was struggling with the text and questions.


'How does Shakespeare use irony?' They exclaimed while leafing through the text, 'The same way we all do? He just plugs it in and gets the creases out his pants? Did they wear pants in the olden times? Oh I haven't read this since High School. Is it Othello or Iago who's black?'


After the first day, over 97% of those arriving had been returned to their point of departure after failing to meet the expected standard. 'Clearly we're very disappointed," a spokesperson for The Home Office said, 'especially as the worst performing group in this whole exercise were British Citizens returning home. Many failed to identify the symbolic importance of the settings, others couldn't explain the dramatic function of jealousy, and when the flight from Alicante arrived, a worrying number of them tried to eat the book.'


Why earthquakes caused by fracking are a Brexit bonus




People are naturally concerned about earthquakes, possibly due to negative press and movies depicting them as being dangerous and destructive, however the Department of Business has concluded that earthquakes are just poorly understood.


The UK currently doesn't enjoy many earthquakes, but thanks to Brexit and fracking, Blackpool, Merseyside, Cheshire and north Wales are in line for a bonus. First, fracking doesn't increase the likelihood and severity of earthquakes - it guarantees it. Now these previously earthquake deficient localities can experience earthquakes first-hand. Sorry London and anywhere else with properties that have value - this isn't for you.


Earthquakes aren't all doom and gloom - go to any recent earthquake area and soak in the urban renewal it generates - out with the old housing stock, in with the new energy efficient stock, sealing the localities net zero credentials. Plus, think of all the disaster funding that earthquakes attract - billions of dollars that accumulate faster than the Richter scale. Those DEC funding adverts sucking the odd tenner out of you will now be redistributing not only UK donations but worldwide donations back to the UK, and we at the department have arranged for disaster funds to be managed exclusively by Somerset Capital Investment to look after the billions that will inevitably flow offshore to the UK investment industry.


And remember - none of this would be possible pre-Brexit. Those interfering Europeans would have insisted on fracking going to competitive tender to all European fracking companies, not just to chums. Who doesn't want chums fracking the foundations out of their mortgaged-to-the-hilt property, eh?




First published 23 Sep 2022


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