top of page


The cetaceans seen in Falmouth, do not normally visit the UK coastline, so the Environment Secretary has taken the opportunity to claim their arrival in British waters as a Brexit benefit in much the same way that her colleague in the Home Office appreciates it to be with the ever-increasing number of asylum seekers, but won’t admit.


A spokesperson for the Sea Watch Foundation doubted that the dolphins are anything other than ambivalent about whether Britain had remained part of the EU, but said the beautiful creatures have incredible olfactory senses and can pick up smells from hundreds of miles away, so if they are attracted to the British coastline it’s more than likely to be the smell of raw sewage being pumped into the sea since Britain escaped EU regulation of keeping its coast clean that attracted them.


He went on to add “It wouldn’t surprise me to find the British coastline becomes infested with killer sharks as well before long, if they ain’t already here, because they’ve got an even better sense of smell. We call them sea rats, because like rats that live in sewers, they don’t mind the smell of shit, but you won’t find that mentioned in the newspapers.”


Next: Newsbiscuit reader asks if it was the stench of corruption that attracted ex-UKIP and BNP members to the fringes of the Tory party when Cameron left.


image form pixabay



'It took us releasing 1.34 million tonnes of radioactive water, to make our dream come true,' boasted one scientist. 'We'd tried it with Irn-Bru but all we got was an orange-looking tuna fish.'


The Godzilla will be a great boost to the tourist industry and an opportunity to flatten down town Tokyo. 'There was a concern that we might get a Spiderman or cut-price Pokemon. And the last thing we wanted to do is give a lobster tumours.


'It's not easy evolving a monster of epic proportions - just ask those that engineered Brexit.'


image from pixabay




Billericay Costermonger, Barry Shyte, is a man on a mission to highlight every last Brexit Benefit that's come the UK's way since June 24th 2016.


'It's been bloody brilliant, ain't it?' enthuses the fifty-five year-old fruit and veg man from behind his stall in the marketplace. 'Some say we're in a much worse position as regards all this global trading stuff and that. But I don't buy that old pony. It's bleedin' Project Fear all over again.'


When asked to name one single tangible benefit Barry said, 'Well there's the... erm... No hang on. Ah, what about stopping all them old foreigners and refu... no I can't say that, can I? Cos of the woke brigade and do-gooders whinging on.


'Got it. I read we're now able to control the minting of sovereigns with the new King on them, or summink like that. Gotcha there mate, didn't I? Them Brussels Bureaucrats wudda put the kybosh on that. I say - Bring back Boris!'

bottom of page