Dog owner bound over after training pet to bite Daily Mail readers on arse

Magistrates in Hounslow have fined a man one hundred pounds and bound him over to keep the peace, after he was convicted of having trained his dog, a two-year-old German Shepherd called Rex, to "lurk nearby the newspaper display in Tesco and bite anyone on the arse who picked up a copy of the Daily Mail".

Simon Rothery a sous chef told reporters: 'I had had just about enough of watching a succession of smug blue-rinse old bats and Captain Mainwaring total fuckwits walking into the shop, reading the Mail's front page, turning puce, tutting loudly then picking up and buying it without even the slightest hint of embarrassment or shame. Not even one of them asked to have it hidden inside a brown paper bag.'

'What's more I have no intention whatsoever of complying with my sentence. Rex will continue to bite these reactionary bigots with impunity as far as I am concerned. They and their ilk are the reason the Brexit vote won in the EU referendum. I just don't know why they can't take a proper balanced paper like The Express or Sun.'

Photo by Anna Dudkova on Unsplash

Take back control of our borders? The UK can't even control its Irish boundary line

The paradox of the Rwanda plan is that claiming it's a successful deterrent requires admission that a frictionless border with Ireland only works when the UK is in the EU.

'We told them many times,' sighed Elsa van Roest, EU head of stating the bleedin' obvious to the Brits. 'We even said it in plain English so that they might understand. Perhaps we should have used Cockney rhyming slang? Brexit meant that the Irish border would unavoidably become a backdoor between the UK and the EU. I would say inescapably instead of unavoidably, but now that the UK has... erm... misplaced several thousand asylum seekers, inescapable seems inappropriate.

'Like a flock of sheep accidentally transferred to Battersea Dogs Home, the UK has totally lost control of its borders. Collies everywhere. Now this whole mess has set the Irish off again, but I shall refrain from making more doggy puns about Irish setters.

'And we can't really understand what the British government is trying to achieve within its own borders. Asylum seekers who were actively presenting at Home Office facilities have decided not to bother any more. They are now effectively absorbed into the UK community, which is odd as that seemed to be precisely the opposite outcome to what racists were demanding.

'It's not all bad news, of course. Now that Scotland has also collapsed into disarray, we look forward to welcoming a relatively strong and stable Rwanda to the EU. I know this must be true because UK law says it is.'

Image: Pixabay/pixaline

April fooling period extended to November, government confirms

The usual cut off point of midday for any April Fools gags to be actioned has been extended, more than likely to November this year, the government announced this morning.

'We're pleased to announce another six months of ridiculous policy making, comedy leadership and general all-round incompetence', stated chief idiot, Rishi Sunak, outside Number 10 Downing Street, wearing a pair of oversized clown shoes in place of his usual brown brogues.

'We may end the period of tomfoolery a bit earlier, depending on what the polls look like and whether we actuallly have any sitting MPs left by that point', continued the PM, as he stepped into a miniature clown car and gave a little comedy parp of its horn.

'Expect plenty of gags from us' said Sunak, preparing a massive custard pie with the Tory logo on the front. 'Shafting the economy, taking donations from racists, creating a hostile environment for migrants, that sort of thing. Top japes'.

Alongside the policy, Sunak announced that Jacob Rees-Mogg was to be Minister of Jokes with a loose remit to be a total bellend.

'To be honest, anyone currently in a Cabinet position could have stepped up the plate on this one' admitted Sunak. 'But Jacob is the fools' fool, and I'm sure will do a great job'.

Image: Pixabay/jackmac34

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