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Rich people not to be trusted with money


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Ludicrously wealthy people are not to be trusted with money, it has emerged.


'But I want to put a solid gold didgeridoo inside a platinum trombone and then put that inside a diamond encrusted French horn, and then not let anyone blow it,' said rich people. 'Look over there. That's a foreign squirrel coming to take your job. You should hate them all for that.'


'You did that last time,' said poor people.


'No I didn't', said rich people. 'Here are some more very clever personages to tell you we never waste money and you should give us some more. Do you see how they pay for themselves?'


'Remember that empire thing where a handful of you owned half the world? Where's all the money you got from that?'


'It was cleverly invested in off-shore truffle tulips. You wouldn't understand. Now stop squandering your tuppence on eating beans to survive while I claim ownership of your feet.'


'You went to a casino last night and gambled it all on a magic goose, didn't you.'


'That's perfectly normal and what I have to do to survive in difficult times. Desperate measures call for desperate solid saffron toilets. You're impressed, aren't you? I can see it in your eyes. Your children think I'm fun and very charming. I want to buy your daughter. Tell her I'm a wealth creator and own all of the rainbows.'


'OK. But only if you promise not to copyright air.'


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/publicdomainpictures-14/

'Hang 'em high' - Charles gets tough on pledge refuseniks


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Pro-Royal tabloids are pre-furious about the imagined cabal of 'commies, lefty lawyers, the BBC and the EU' not wanting to pledge allegiance to Chuck 3 and all his descendants - even though it isn't the middle ages any more.


'It's heads on spikes time and no mistake.' said one royalist, who separately confirmed that they owned every available piece of Union Jack or royal-branded crockery and also had a huge problem with self-loathing. 'Why won't they prostrate themselves in front of their lord, master and better, their King and rightful overlord?'


As solid gold hat day approaches, the frothing tabloids are competing to have the highest number of pages in their coronation pull-out sections.


Meanwhile, governments across the world are queueing up to (re)join the British Empire, with one saying 'It went so well last time, what could possibly go wrong?'




Winston Churchill to go on tour to give Britain 'our best booster yet' says Johnson


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It has been announced that by using the same hologram technology, where Elvis was able to appear ‘live’ on stage despite him being dead for over forty years, The Winston Churchill Roadshow will be rolling into a town near you from next week.


Confined to light duties, as that's about all aides dare trust him with, Boris Johnson Johnson has been put in charge of the project. ‘I’m just working on this with the brainboxes. We'll soon have the technology in place to enable us to have Sir Winston live in concert, reciting some of his iconic wartime speeches, backed by the Glen Miller Orchestra,' Mr Johnson enthused.


‘The show will be hosted by music hall icons, Flanagan and Allen, and will visit parks and piazzas around the country to give us all a good dose of old fashioned British vim, vigour and spunk,’ added Dominic Raab, looking lovingly into the PM's eyes.


On hearing the news, one Young Conservative who for some inexplicable reason still dreams about Britain's past glories of World War victories and Empires, was beside himself with delight. Fiddling with his flies in an attempt to disguise an unsightly stain, the chinless former Harrow Head Boy said: ‘This is the best possible pick-me-up our great nation could have been given and just what we need to banish our blues.


‘I knew Boris wouldn’t let us down. When he sees a job that needs doing he doesn’t drag his heels by announcing half measures. He just rolls up his shirt-sleeves and gets on with the task. He got Brexit done and he will now get Covid done, or kill us all in trying.’






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