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Clock change causes UK economic boom



Changing the clocks has caused the UK to transform into a booming economic juggernaut, with absolutely everyone in the country richer, fitter and happier.


Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said 'Under the tyrannical jackboot of EU oppression we were never able to arbitrarily change what time it is by an hour, to help farmers maybe? Jacob Rees-Mogg did want to simply declare it was the 1880s, but instead we will now measure time locally by sundial when it's sunny and by pigeon entrails when it isn't. We can now say that all trains are running punctually, as no-one knows for sure that they aren't. And the Sue Gray report will never see daylight.'

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst's phone buzzed. He said 'The PM just WhatsApp-ed me to say the only two times that he's interested in are 1) when his next tennis match with a Russian oligarch is and 2) party time.'


Parliament to consider permanent switch to Hammer Time



With the clocks going back for Winter, the Government is to conduct an analysis of the costs and benefits of adopting the highly controversial Standard Hammer Time throughout the UK.


The concept of Hammer Time was introduced in the early 1990s by the recording artist MC Hammer on his top-selling ‘Please Hammer – Don’t Hurt ‘Em’. Although highly regarded at the time, its popularity waned after a series of poor-selling follow up albums.


Farmers’ Unions remain vehemently opposed. A spokesman said: ‘Without wanting to diss Hammer Time, many of our members are uneasy about having to tend sheep on dark winter mornings wearing large trousers, raybans and lots of bling. Things right now are tough enough for farmers as it is.’


If the new system is adopted, businesses will be required to provide employees with regular Hammer Time intervals, which are to be spent well away from their workstations in areas where they will be encouraged to ‘break it down’.




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