Changing the clocks has caused the UK to transform into a booming economic juggernaut, with absolutely everyone in the country richer, fitter and happier.
Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said 'Under the tyrannical jackboot of EU oppression we were never able to arbitrarily change what time it is by an hour, to help farmers maybe? Jacob Rees-Mogg did want to simply declare it was the 1880s, but instead we will now measure time locally by sundial when it's sunny and by pigeon entrails when it isn't. We can now say that all trains are running punctually, as no-one knows for sure that they aren't. And the Sue Gray report will never see daylight.'
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst's phone buzzed. He said 'The PM just WhatsApp-ed me to say the only two times that he's interested in are 1) when his next tennis match with a Russian oligarch is and 2) party time.'