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Budget 2025: Your questions answered

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Q: I'm hearing a lot about "fiscal drag" in this budget. Will Ru Paul be presenting it? (Cecil from Penge)


A: Naturally.


Q: This tax hike on betting is diabolical, isn't it? (Gary from Aintree)


A: We agree, raising the tax rate on sports betting from 15% to 25% means that when you chuck all your money away, you won't be enriching the deserving bookie so much. You'll be wasting a quarter of your dosh on funding schools and hospitals.


Q: My budget is moulting, and it won't play with its mirror or its bell. (Doris from Braintree)


A: I'm sorry to hear that. Take your budget to the vets first thing in the morning.


Q: Kemi Badenoch called this "the most chaotic budget ever". Is she right? (Keir from Westminster)


A: Objectively speaking, of course it was. But one shouldn't be too harsh on Rachel Reeves. You have no idea how difficult it is to prepare Britain's budget when you haven't a clue what you are doing.




A budget powered by revenge

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A close associate of the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, has revealed the underlying logic behind the November budget, which increases the tax take by £26billion.


‘It’s all about revenge,’ said the source. ‘The Tories handed the government a massive black hole, unfunded commitments, and an economy in really bad shape. As far as Rachel is concerned, it’s payback time.’


‘She’s working on the basis that Labour will lose the next election. Probably to Reform or some other populist nationalist nihilist coalition. So she’s showing her core labour values now by spending big on the minimum wage and on benefits, but she won’t actually raise the money to pay for it until shortly before the next election. And she’s raising the money from the well-off, which will also please the red wall. Let’s hope those buggers don’t skip the country before the tax rises kick in.


‘So, whoever wins the next election will be presented with a total budget nightmare, with taxes rising across the board and the benefits that it funded long forgotten. This is Rachel’s revenge for the mess that she was handed.  She has copied the tactics used by the Tories in the run-up to the 2024 election. The Tories won’t win in 2029.  They are so far down the toilet that they’re practically on the beach. So some other deserving party will have to step up.  Your Party, perhaps?  That’s sarcasm, by the way.


‘Rachel’s nightmare, of course, is the risk of re-election in 2029. But she’s got plenty more budgets to come, so she can do her best to wreck any chances of re-election. And she’ll be able to ramp up the pain for her successors by continuing to help the low paid and continuing to defer the bills until later. Revenge is a dish best served cold.'




Our In Depth Budget Analysis

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This has certainly been a budget of budgets. So many budgetty things. Luckily for you, we’re here to explain it all.


Overall, the government has been very even-handed, giving with one hand and taking back with the other hand. And I think we all know which hand is the bigger one. The most important points are that the Chancellor failed to deliver the longest ever budget speech, and failed to get paralytic by chugging on English plonk as she spoke.  If she had done either of those things, or cried again, then no-one would be talking about the budget measures at all.  Anyway, here is our in depth analysis of the separate budget measures:


VAT – the government promised not to put up the rate, and it didn’t. Cripes! But they did fiddle with some stuff at the margins. In a move that surprised no-one, books and newspapers remain VAT free. But the meeja had better watch its attitude.


Income Tax – the government promised not to put up the rate, although it had half promised that it would put up the rate, but it backed down due to the backlash. So the government has frozen personal allowances again, and that will cost you lots of dosh. Strangely, this seems more acceptable than whacking one or two pence on tax rates.


Corporation Tax – the government has decided not to increase corporation tax, as this would restrict businesses' ability to pay shareholders abroad, in tax havens, for shares held in trust and held by non-doms.  And it would reduce businesses' ability to make political donations, which are sorely needed, because times are hard for everyone.


Council Tax – you knew you were going to get whacked and you were.  Next time, check the manifestos for promises about Council Tax, sucker.


Mansion Tax – see Council Tax


Cost of Living – the government is trying to look vaguely socialist, and also to prop up the people who used to be its core vote before Reform and Plaid Cymru waltzed in. All of the benefits that were described in such gushing terms are wiped out by freezing income tax allowances. Soz. And the government will force you to drink unsweetened milk shakes, lard ass. On the plus side, the Chancellor dropped big hints to the Bank of England about cutting interest rates. And the government has worked out that it can fiddle the inflation figures by mucking about with energy prices.


Government spending – usual story. All talk and no action. But a driving test is still £62, same as it was in 2009. Boom! How’s that for keeping costs down?  (We aren't mentioning the ridiculous wait for a driving test, as it’s nowhere near as bad as the wait for NHS treatment.)


Productivity – a difficult issue. Didn’t have time to solve this one - there just aren't enough hours in the day, apparently.  So the issue is still in the pending tray.  Maybe AI could solve this?


All these budget measures are correct at the time of going to press and are subject to U-turns, particularly regarding the driving test.




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