Faced with a bad financial situation, the Chancellor is expected to put all National Inquiries on hold for twelve months. This will save loads of money.
A government spokesman said, 'Inquiries already go on for far too long. They never deliver any good news. And they make everyone look bad. They are just an expensive exercise in self-flagellation.
'For example, that blond tosser stirring things up at the COVID inquiry. Everyone is walking out of the child grooming inquiry. None of this is helpful. Public Inquiries cost over £130m in 2023/4. That's a lot of nurses.' He paused, staring into the middle distance. 'A lot of nurses,' he murmured.
'Ahem! Pausing all current Inquiries - and not starting any new ones - will give everyone a rest and time to think. Inquiry staff will be redeployed to other duties - tending trollies in A&E, processing asylum seekers and prosecuting anyone who tips over their coffee in the street.'
'Inquiries will definitely start up again in a year's time, subject to affordability. Given that most of them move with glacial slowness, a year off will just seem like a long lunch break.'
