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White House down

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In the most damage done yet by an enemy of America, Donald Thump has turned the White House into a pile of rouble, sorry.., rubble.


A spokes-denier said, 'No, nothing has happened and everything is fine. I SAID NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND EVERYTHING IS FINE. That noise? No, that's nothing, and certainly not collapsing masonry. And definitely not symbolic of what we're doing to the entire country.


'That missing entire front wall of the East Wing was like that when we got here. 


'Those massive diggers and bulldoz... oh for farages sake... it's the fault of staff taking pictures. Otherwise, no one would have noticed.


'Okay, okay, okay. Look, it's the White House, so it was a blank canvas to work with. The President is just putting his Trumpstamp on it.


'It's going to be the bigliest most decadent ballsup... I mean ballroom... I can't faraging think straight with all this racket going on.'


An upgraded spokes-denier with earplugs appeared through clouds of demolition dust to continue.


'The plans for the grand ballroom will not in any way impact on the integrity of the White House,' confirmed Russia. 'Maybe we build safe sanctuary for underage girls, maybe strip club. Maybe we construct underground golf course beneath, maybe we build underground ice rink for next leader of America.


'Maybe Crassnob stay, maybe Crassnob go. Maybe we flip it to Chinese in prime real estate deal. Maybe we level whole thing for big Kremlin laugh. Whatever. How you say? None of your American business. We own now.'


Regardless of the outcome, until freedom of dressing up as a frog expression has been reinstated in Portland, the White House is renamed The Snowflake House.

Somerset cheese factory forced to stop production


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The Cheddar Cheese Company in Somerset has been forced to stop producing one of its leading brands of cheese because it has become too crumbly. Cheese experts say the cheese has become so crumbly since its introduction that it is now deemed unsafe to eat.


One pub in the Midlands that served crumbly cheddar in its sandwiches subsequently collapsed entirely, although in a stroke of good fortune for its new owners, the government is reported to be in talks with them to 'deal' with crooked school buildings in a similar fashion.


Production of the crumbly cheese started in Somerset during the 1950s and proved so popular with consumers that other cheese producers started to make it too. Due to its lighter weight, reduced cost and resistance to heat the cheese has been widely used on sandwiches, as a filler in jacket potatoes, as a covering for fish pie and in more recent years has become popular as a topping for pizza.


There are growing concerns that cheese shortages caused by the crumbliness could hit the ploughman’s lunch trade and have knock on effects for the pub and catering industry. Dairy product inspectors discovered problems with the life span of the cheese in the mid 1990s and recommendations were put in place to make the cheese less crumbly.


It's understood The National Union of Ploughmen are watching the situation with concern. General Secretary, David Furrow, said: 'They say there's no such thing as a free lunch, but worryingly, there may not be any lunch for us if this crisis deepens. It's a proper pickle and no mistake.'


But successive management at the factory ignored the warnings and continued to produce the crumbly cheese.

Part of the production line has been forced to close down and relocate to a portacabin on the factory car park.


The crumbly cheese problem does not only affect production in Somerset but is widespread across the UK. A full list of cheese producers affected by the crumbliness can be found on the Defra website and FarmingUK have set up a helpline for anybody affected by the crumbliness of their cheese.


hat tips: sirlupus; Chipchase




First published 8 Sep 2023


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