Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens

The Royal Society for the Protection of Burglars has urged people with garden sheds to leave out seed balls, lumps of lard, Rolex watches and widescreen TVs to help them survive the lean winter months. The number of burglars in the UK has fallen by 75% after a cold spell left them struggling to find open windows and empty houses. Robin Toerags and Great Tits could face extinction if temperatures continue to fall.

An RSPB spokesperson said: ‘Burglars rely heavily on the Christmas period to put on an some extra wonga. Sub-zero temperatures mean they are struggling to find items they can easily convert into cash or weed. We urge people to leave a window open so these beautiful little creatures can nick their stuff and shit on their duvets.’

There is some good news for House Martins and Dunnocks. These cheeky little scamps have adopted distraction techniques to get inside the homes of elderly people. Cute video clips of their hilarious antics can be viewed on YouTube.

You can help the RSBP in their important work by buying a wall chart that identifies offenders. You can also take practical steps to ensure they visit your garden on a regular basis. The RSPB has asked people to keep a close eye on their cats. ‘We’ll nick anything,’ the spokesperson said.

Bill Oddie refused to comment.

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Burglars slammed for scruffy image

Jimmy ‘Fingers’ Norton, veteran cockney rogue and former chairman of the National Burglars Association of Great Britain has criticised young burglars for their poor dress sense.

According to Norton, this is undermining the image of the profession with potentially devastating consequences. ‘I was just appalled when I saw CCTV film of two young blokes breaking into a warehouse on Crimewatch last week,’ Norton said. ‘No cloth cap, no comedy mask, no crowbar and no sack at all, never mind one marked ‘Swag’. What’s the world coming to?’

In the 1970s, according to Norton, professionals from all walks of life wore their uniforms with pride. ‘Policemen had a helmet, teachers always had a gown and a mortar board and carried a cane, burglars wore red and black hooped jumpers – everyone knew where they stood.’

Norton conceded that many people who have lost their life savings and most treasured possessions to a robbery may regard the sartorial standards of the thieves as a relatively minor issue. However, he believes that they are missing the most important point.

‘This used to be a trade that was passed down from father to son. There was pride involved,’ Norton said. ‘Do away with all that tradition and you’ll find greedy callous sociopaths opting for careers in investment banking instead. Trust me, you don’t want that.’

Image: Pixabay/TheDigitalWay