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Cars banned from Dutch Grand Prix




Spectators at the Netherlands Formula 1 Grand Prix are in for a surprise as cars have been banned.


When the "drivers" come into the "pits", they can fill up their travel coffee mugs, make sure they have the exact fare and pick up a bus timetable.


F1 safety rules demand that even on a bus, competitors must keep their helmets on. If they sit on the top deck, near the back with the cool kids, they may not play loud music through their radios. They can pick up a free newspaper, but they may not sit in seats reserved for pensioners or parents with buggies and they could also be punished for leaving an umbrella behind.


A local bus driver said 'Talk about back seat drivers, they keep pretending to steer whilst shouting "vroom" or "nyaum". If anyone deserves all that champagne at the end, it's me.'


Hobbits must defeat orcs to reach Mount Doom. Nazgûls can show bus pass



Hobbits have been urged to set out early after questing rules were tightened by Lord Sauron. Anyone under 5ft tall is now required to bring nine magical rings to Mount Doom. Nazgûls can show a bus pass, a 60+ rail card, or a bag of Werther's Originals.


Dark Lord Sauron insists he is tightening the rules to combat questing-fraud. Lord Aragont, Legless the Brave, Coffey the dwarf, Suella the Balrog, and the Daily Mail have all welcomed the changes.


Critics fear the number of heroes setting out to save Middle-Earth from destruction will fall. Hobbits and warriors have been urged to set off by last year at the latest.



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