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Surgical appliance replaces Foreign Secretary

The replacement of Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab by a truss has been widely welcomed at Westminster. It's the first time a senior member of any British cabinet has been replaced by a device designed to counter the effects of a hernia.


'This is a brilliant appointment', one Tory grandee said. At last we have a Foreign Secretary who will take a firm grip of a difficult situation. It shows Boris's creativity in making an appointment with which everyone will be comfortable, especially when they stand up suddenly. Conservative MP and doctor Mike Smythe explained 'Very often the symptom a truss can effectively deal with is an enlarged scrotum, and I can think of no better description of Mr Raab.'

Magic 8 ball determines cabinet reshuffle

A flunky at 10 Downing Street was observed taking delivery of a Magic 8 ball yesterday, in advance of the cabinet reshuffle.


A source said: ‘Boris believes very strongly in letting fate and/or other cabinet ministers take the blame for whatever has been grossly mismanaged this time. There’s no point in getting all scientific about it, we just let the magic 8 ball decide.'


'For example, should Gavin Williamson have kept his job as Education secretary, despite being Gavin Williamson. Magic 8 ball said “Definitely not, he's Gavin Willliamson”. Could Bob “The Builder” Jenrick fix it as Housing Minister? Magic 8 ball said “Er...No”. Would it be fun to lock Dominic Raab in a room with an angry bear and let nature take its course. Magic 8 ball said “Dream big”.’


Johnson was also spotted in the garden of 10 Downing Street late yesterday, picking the petals from a daisy to determine if Laura Kuenssberg really loves him.


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